Just some passing thoughts. *Not Dao*

It makes me worry at times, makes me think and at these times thinking is a dangerous place to be. Right now I could really use a release...
...
...
Today I realized I know very little about my oldest brother. I had to shop for a Birthday gift for him, and the sister in law just got so busy she did not call me and inform me what he would like. Not her fault really, I am glad it happened the way it did.

I did get a good present for him. I know he likes Asian themes and well he has statues of Buddha's and Kwan Gong in his living room. So I got him a Jade Buddha riding dragons. I thought the green would bring out the wooden statues out very well.

You know I really don't know much about my brother, see we suffer from the same disorders when it comes to people, even those close to us. It is not his fault and not mine as well, it is just the type of people we are. We live with it, and most the time it bothers us more when we have to be around people than being alone.

He found a good wife, one that can understand the type of person he is, and the personality of his. I may not come to the point ever in looking for another lover, much less a bride. I just don't feel right in it even after 1 year and x months. I really do not wish to put another person through it now that I have isolated my behavior.

Natural balance of things I guess. If I left the city and went back to life in nature then at least a job may be able to be opened for a person... At times I think I do not have a purpose, I feel I lost my purpose... I made her my purpose in life for 8 years, when you loose your purpose in life, and have the kind of marbles rolling around upstairs like I do you seem to loose it. You withdraw into a shell, you turn away from the world you were hurt in.

Thanksgiving is coming up, maybe that is a reason I feel this way. I always hated Swedish Meatballs since the first day I ate one 9 years ago. Thanksgiving though always had Swedish Meatballs, and all though I hate them I will remember them. I did at least always have Cranberry Sauce every Thanksgiving since I was a child. Around the corner from Thanksgiving is Christmas...

Although I never really liked Christmas, I celebrated it for her and the young one. I guess I will miss seeing him open presents I bought him. The odd thing is though, since my world crashed down and I went into my old reality, I don't remember details. I wouldn't know what to buy her son nor her. I would still not want to eat a Swedish Meatball, and I don't remember her beauty.

I know what she looks like, but the beauty I once saw I can not see anymore, I can't remember it. It is like the Body Snatchers movie, honestly that is about the best I can describe where I am. Sad thing is I am pretty sure she does not miss me, I would venture to say that but I am not sure about anything anymore. Well except the fact that I want to raise a farm, learn to rely on nature instead of humanity.

I know I have done many good deeds, and some evil ones too... I don't feel it though, I don't feel like I have done any good or evil in the world. I don't feel like I contribute either way, no matter what I do, no matter the smallness or the bigness of the deed it just doesn't register.

10 years ago I was living with my brother and sister-in-law, 10 years ago started the body snatching. When I met her I changed, I cut my hair, made life about her and screw everyone else, I was business, and I dreamed big for her. I spent money non-stop on her and her son. Waking up I am realizing I miss spending money on her. I miss going to Zales and buying diamonds for her, I miss buying her little gifts. These are the things I remember after the snatching. I guess if the money is there why keep it for yourself, spend it on another.

So I met Ms. Allysa after the divorce. I love her for the simple fact that she is pure in heart. She really loves life. So I want to spoil that child. I want to spoil my nephew too, but he is rebellious because of the teenager in him, so it becomes a little harder in doing that. When spoiling a teenager you can only do it under certain requisites or the lessons of life are not taught.

So my ex-wife's loss in me giving her gifts are others peoples gain. Still I am a banker and I keep my savings and financial in order for future use if need be. Just the idea of giving a gift and spoiling someone is fine though it handles the need I had when I was married. Just now it is other people that get it. The reason I do it has always been the same, always will be. If I have it to give I give it. If I do not have, I will live through it until I do have it to give. What do I get, well I would not say happiness but they are the times in life I truly feel connected to. The rare times when my smile is truly heart felt.

Most of the time my smile is caused by auto-pilot, not by the heart. A coma is another way to describe what it feels like. Although I function in life I am not really truly in the moment, my emotions, my feelings, my core self is tucked away on vacation. I think maybe that is the reason I can't pick up a Cisco book and study. I used to love routers, switches, and networking. Now I have no true interest in it.

I do miss my ex-wife, and I do miss the boy, but if it was something I could have prevented with marriage counseling then the divorce would not have been done. So I know there is nothing I can do but to move on. If you can call it that. I am back where I was 10 years ago in many ways. No desire to have a girlfriend, no desire to get married, actually no desire to do or have anything really. Nothing is there in me, an empty shell if you will. Not that I am unhappy with that, but I am not happy about it either. It is a No Comment type of action.

At least this Thanksgiving will be one more back to normal. No Girlfriend, no wife, just Filipino food, American Food and a big crowd of Filipino Family getting together. I don't really feel I belong or feel like an outcast, but at least it is familiar and I am comfortable being there. So many Thanksgivings I felt out of place, I felt confined and I felt anxiety.

Still debating on emailing her and wishing her a Happy Thanksgiving? It does nothing for her really and is just harder on me. Maybe I won't, I need to just let her go fully from memory and from my life, but she was my wife which has a giant hold in my upbringing too. I don't know, more than likely I won't I have to be in good spirits and enjoy the holiday with family and if I email her and get depressed even more than what I normally live with, it will not be a good holiday.