The Lady in Red *Not Dao*

So after coming home and visiting my family and talking to neighbors and stuff I have come to the conclusion on some things in my life.

I doubt many people would attend my funeral, or talk much about me after I pass, though I know some will. I know my first love will be sad if I left, as well as family members. Some of the acquaintances would be saddened to know my personality will be lost to the world. The mortality effect comes to mind on vacation.

Talking with a great lady we talked about significant others. I am all for being a lone in life. I was had the epiphany when I came up that if I ever came back to Ohio I would have to be comfortable living alone, because there would be no girl that fits the Lady in Red syndrome I have going on.

What is the lady in red syndrome? Well my lady in red would have to be physically hot, loyal, with no kids, and head over heals in love (i mean fully in love not this fictional or infatuation crap people deal with), and be an intellect. She would need to make sure that I eat and stop doing things I shouldn't like my Mt. Dew. Remind me to eat. See simple everyday things most people remember to do, slips my mind.

The lady in red would need to be Asian heritage, with a great complexion that seems to be etched in marble and one time can not seem to touch. Most important is the intellect and creativity of the person would have to be phenomenal as I get bored to easy. I get really bored really quick. I don't think there is a person of that stature in my home town, and since I have gotten to the point of not wanting a relationship period, it will be hard to find a person like this even in Milwaukee. Simple fact of the matter is that I want my Lady in Red but have no drive to find her, or should I say no desire to put time in such a search anymore. Each time I break up a relationship my choices become more impossible to find, and harder to fit.

I realize that more than likely I will be alone for the rest of my life, and where most people would be sad I am perfectly at ease with this thought. Though it is not good for my health, or mental state at all. I guess being human demands some sort of human interaction even if it is just a little. Right now in my life I am fine with it since I have a room mate, but one day I fear of just loosing my mind. I guess that is my biggest concern. Though I want to eventually work for a company that requires physical work and not technical thinking, I fear my mind is being overly used and will give out on the strands of reality one day.

I value a human mind, I value thought and creative thinking. I would be lost if I could not write, or could not have an intellectual conversation or debate with someone. I think at that point boredom would kick in so much that I would totally give up and flip out on society.

So my dreams of finding the woman in red seems at this point in my life hopeless. Could I have a girlfriend tomorrow? If I wanted to and got over my rejection of people in general I could. But when people just hurt people and act like they are in high school, why would I want to trust anyone? My heart has had several breaks and I don't think I would live through another crack. My heart would shatter and if the heart shatters so can the mind. Going through a heartbreak is hard on the body, the emotions, and the mind.

I am not a person that can outwardly show emotions, but I do care about people, though sometimes I am harsh with my words, but the harshness comes from a constant failure of people I was with in life. I always try to bet on sure things, and it is about the security of doing a sure thing, but how can you bet on another humans emotions when they are easily subjected to a change that seems to come from nowhere.

I occasionally write the ex-wife, letting her know I hope she finds happiness, and that her life is going well. Guess being an adult is still beyond her so it seems. I never get a response back, probably never will since most people have the high school syndrome. It is not like I want to get back with her, or even have any harsh feelings toward her, but it seems that she has harsh feelings toward me, and I was the one that wanted to work it out.

In today's time I have no harsh feelings toward the ex-girlfriend that claims she had my child. I even tried to mend that area of my life. I put the ball in her court and nothing came out of it. I will say that at this time of my life I am no longer consumed with curiosity of the child, or consumed by questions about the child.

At one point in my marriage I was consumed about the possibility of the child being mine. Way I see it now is that the child is going on 13 and I have never been aloud in her life, so I am not even the father, or dad. Even if DNA proved this to be the case, I would not feel either way about the issue. I put forth the effort to correct the wrongs, and it seems like action and kind words do not even phase this generation of people. It really makes me sick of dealing with people in reality. It makes me ill just to see day to day activities of people.

It is hard to become a friend of mine, most people are acquaintances, a friend is for life, but a friend is more than just someone I talk to, or care about. I care about my acquaintances too, a friend is on the verge of being family. I suppose the biggest regret I have at this point is still being around to witness this crap world ran by ignorant politicians, arguing political parties, and people that could never stop treating people like they are in high school.

Wake up people, you making a society of degenerate, evil, and cruel people. People that turn off their emotions, that doesn't want anything to do with others, and rarely cares about their own emotions. But those same people are the ones that will do something for another person quickly and without any question to their own profitability out of the situation.