Introductions to the Tiger *Dao*

If the dog is rage I must say there is another destructive force that is much worse. A human quality that is really dark and destructive. The tiger is a force of such destruction, and unpredictable. What could be worse than a person's rage, what can destroy the dog so easily, that the dog in order to not be destroyed works with the tiger.

The tiger is murderous intent. A human emotion to extinguish life. To destroy without remorse for it. Out of all the players of the human soul's darkness this is the one that would be hardest to tame. This one area of the human soul has such power of negative influence that it can power such positive energies that one drop of negative equates to a barrel of positive energy.

The tiger sits patiently, crouching and waiting for the next meal. Without any warning, it explodes into such a fierce run, within seconds the hunt is over and the meal complete. Murderous intent comes just like a tiger. The slow building of intent that is hardly noticeable is the crouching, then within seconds it bursts into full energy and before you know it the victim is done, but the tiger sees this as a meal or good dead, so no remorse is allowed for the victim.

Taming a tiger takes constant visual and emotional awareness for some. Others just bury it way down in their subconscious mind in attempt to be a better person. The fact of the matter is that when a person does this they carve out a piece of the complete being. This is what makes people snap and go postal. One of the things the dog attempts to do if not trained and filtered to take the negative and make the positive is to free the tiger.

The mischievous brothers if you can imagine it. One will try to free the other from control. At no time until complete control should both be released at the same time. They have the ability with such strong energy to cause a black out and take over during this time. By the time you come out of the blackout the deed has been done. They work very quickly together.

However these elements of a human being is essential to a complete harmony. When you release rage in order to counter balance one must release the opposite of rage too, and filter the energies of rage, into the opposite. Some thing with murderous intent. In order to counter balance the murderous intent, one must release the ability to keep life sacred.

The Dao teaches that there is yin and yang in everything, that there is push and pull in everything. While that is true the worst place of this occurring is if you live in the dead center, where there is equal forces pulling and pushing you.

Everything I have read about the Dao focuses on content, love of life, and well the light side of the yin, but if you drill further into the content it also states the if you have one then you have the other. Chapter 5 says heaven and earth are not like humans, because they are impartial. They live in complete harmony at the center. Life and death to them are the same, love and hate does not exist for them.

In chapter 10 it states by patience the animal spirits can be disciplined. By self-control one can unify the character. This means rage and murderous intent is included in a persons character, but with work it can be unified into a being that is complete. At no point has it said to abolish such characteristics of yourself.

The tiger and the dog are discussed by the great Dao general Sun Tzu. Though he cautions a person to control them, he invites one to embrace them too when need be. Take a human life if it is required, but try to win with the least amount of casualties. The tiger is tapped into but filtered through the protection of life as well.

Murderous intent without a leash and left alone becomes a destructive path, you may win the battles but at some point you will loose the war. That or have nothing at the end to govern. I think a true Daoist is either a very emotionless person with an abundant amount of emotions always tugging at them, or if I look at a sage of the Dao, a person who is in complete control over themselves, others, and everything around them.

I think it may be both. A person learning and striving to become a sage, is a person that seems emotionless, but in reality it is because they are taming their inner self and trying to calm the raging clashes of emotions inside. When they manage to fully calm down the waves of the sea going west and the sea going east, when the sea is calm where the two seas meet, that is the day a sage is born.

But that includes many years of work, many isolated times of reflection, meditation, and understanding of these energies. Pushing them through the martial arts in order to bring them into a physical representation to control. In other words, many nights alone, many days in practice, and many many conversations with others with interest in the Dao. Remember a teacher must also be a student.

What is my goal? I wish to become a sage. Where others strive for wealth, or greatness in a career, or social network. I strive for unity, a sea that allows me to understand everything, and return to nothing. A place where I can fully assist others in finding a path to travel. Actually that is my only concern in life and my only real desire is to teach and show people the door to a path, show that with dedication they can achieve a greater self.

In order to do that efficiently I must continue to follow the path myself. This provides little time for other things, but some time, a few moments here a few there. I can't wait till the two years is over. I can't wait to return to the mountains, to the place where I have a sneaking suspicion I will complete my training, where I can complete oneself. In two years I make a decision based on where my financial are at the time and either stay for an extra year or two, or leave and do what I have talked about and that is to turn my back on society so I can complete the first part of the path.

Many think that I have become a person that is wise and have a great intent on helping others. While that is the case and I appreciate the compliments on where I am on the path, it is no-where close to a sage. I need to buckle down, and work harder at my gi gong, my manifestations of the inner animals and taming, and I need to work on stilling my own waters. A teacher does not a sage make. Though I maybe further along than some I teach, a sage am I not. A sage is where I want to end up though. Takes many years though many many years of intense study, practice, and concentration. So that is where I will end up. When my murderous intent, and rage becomes a single but individual entity at the same time is when a sage will make.

Pathways *Dao*

The paths of life come in many forms and in many ways. Each path can be attributed with an element, each path as well has a goal. But the path of Dao is learning to walk each path at the same time, keeping the center where all paths joined a constant no matter the direction you walk in.

A drum here a flute there. A chime to come, and a keyboard to go. A song of life along the path of life. A computer has paths called a bus, a road is a path for cars, the brain works along it's neural paths.

Ever get to a point where the sense of the body just melt into the surroundings, where things are just things and not analyzed. Where nothing is there and everything is around. The simple seems to be less complicated, and the complicated forgotten. The path of Dao, the path of being.

Even in the martial arts everything follows a path, every deception has a tell, every movement has an energy or element behind it. If one practice the path of all elements at once then no individual element can penetrate you.

I long to know where I fit into the picture, but at the same time I know what the answer is. Long time ago I dreamed of being a sage, I have worked hard at the understanding of things, I have lived many treacherous choices in order to learn the darker side of choices made. I have formed an uncanny ability to think out several possibilities in a single second, I have obtained a wisdom from people older than I and yet, I still consider myself very far away.

Though my thoughts and teachings seem dark and far from Dao, it still comes into the circle. Instead of saying life on the yin or yang sides I say life on the line. Live understanding yin has yang and yang has yin. Like a married couple, but be in the center of both, do not take sides. That may not sound very Dao, but unlike many Daoists today, I understand many aspects of the old teachings differently. Where the Dao De Ching state that if one has honor they will have dishonor, tells me that if one focuses on the good side of things without the focus on the bad side of things they are not in harmony. They are delusional to say the least, they are also trying to fool themselves as to what harmony is.

They focus on one path that looks to be correct because that is what society tells them is correct. Sometimes the correct path is a very dark, lonely, and terrifying area to walk. The path to your natural self the one your meant to be, but few ever achieve is meant to be hard, meant to confuse at times, and to enlighten one. It is not the expulsion of the darkness within but the ability to combine both your dark side and light side together in a perfect blend.

Lately I have talked about the vicious dog inside that could bite the person if it is not let out and one learns to harness the dogs energy. Over the next couple weeks I will talk about another darker side of people one worse than the dog. The dog is rage if you were curious.

Upon a path in the forest you can come across many things that will harm you, from wild dogs, to snakes, to spiders, and including yourself if your not attentive. The key to getting through this is the following. Don't panic and carry a towel. Just joking about the towel. In the next couple of weeks I will introduce you to many things. The hardest part of it all, will be finding titles for the writings.

Well I hope that your pathways for your week and well life, goes according to your personal Dao and that you are content with the things you have, and that the beautiful natural paths you come across remain that way for as long as your remain in this form.

Reaction to Gravity *Dao*

The weight pulled at the monks shoulders making them slouch, making the back expend more energy. Reacting to the gravity like it was pulling him to the earth.

For every action there is a reaction, since every reaction is also an action, the cycle continues. Gravity comes in many flavors, some positive and some negative, reactions are the same way as well.

A reaction may not be what you expected, but careful that it is not misread. Some things in life are not what they seem, nor as simple as surface level read. Somethings in life have a deeper meaning and usually because the opposite reasons than the original idea from the read. Hide fear with a smile, hide anger with a joke. Sometimes the reverse is true too. Hide a smile with anger. It is natural to cover up such ideas depending on a situation or the gravity involved in it.

The reaction one gets may not be the one the expect on the surface, but it does not mean that the reaction they wanted to get isn't the reaction that is actually occurring. Reaction to a situation takes its toll on people though. Positive and negative reaction to a situation takes energy, plus takes a brief moment of control. That brief moment of loss of control is the only time the true reaction can show.

Atoms smash together to form a reaction of energy, solar panels, use UV rays to react by giving off energy. The human psyche reacts to a situation by using energy and which can lead to giving off an energy. Not sure why but the places I call home seem to give a reaction to people of a calm safe place, I find this reaction pretty cool.

So all in all it boils down to, gravity in life produces a reaction, the reaction can hide the true re-action as a secondary action occurs due to the endless cycle that action can cause. Relativity and Inertia plays in part even with human reaction.

Gravity of a Situation *Dao*

The monk walked upon the grounds of the Jade Cove, awaiting the master to show. The monk was concerned about the choices he made in life, in daily dealings, and in his career. The choices weighed down upon him, and he wished to talk to the master of such things.

The mast seemed to be running late today, as the monk continued to pace in the BaGua circle in order to meditate on the issues in his mind. He knew that circle walking was relaxing and improved the ability to meditate on issues, while giving the body needed exercise.

The mast slowly walked past the monk which was deep in thought and sat at the jade chair. He watched the monk intently, and realized that something was incorrect about his form. Putting the thought aside, he looked out over the grove and watched the birds and squirrels play in the yard.

The monk finally stopped and realized the energy of the master present, and went to sit down in front of him and waited for the master to acknowledge him. When the master did, he mentioned that the form was incorrect in the circle walk and something weighed him down, something was using up energy unnecessarily.

The monk stated that he was concerned on some of his choices even though the choices he had to choose from at the time was no choice at all. He was concerned that action vs. non-action at the time was incorrect.

Gravity of a situation, makes one second guess what has happened, gravity also brings us to such spots where a choice must be made without having decent choices to choose from. What makes you different than the squirrels and the birds, why are they able to overcome the gravity of a situation?

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I understand the master and at the same time gravity of a situation really does suck. The gravity of the situation of being single is fine with me in fact well preferred at times. This kind of thought makes it possible for me to one day turn my back on society fully. It is my inner drive at this point and my motivation.

At many points in my life I have hit the event horizons in situations where gravity has given no choice at all. Gravity gave me no choice but to go a path of wisdom vs. normal childhood. A gravitational time I now do not regret, but it was difficult and at times still is difficult to deal with. Since the choice was not fully understood, and naturally I was wise it ended up alienating me from people my own age as a kid. This same alienation makes me want to turn my back on society.

How can a human mind enjoy peace if it is always worried or focused on items in society. I have decided that although I would love to have my back tattoo, I am going to follow the Dao, although I would like a laptop, the Dao will be my choice. This being a choice provoked by gravity, but also not at the same time. The less you want the more content you become, the more content you become, the more you have.

The gravity of the situation. The weight of it. Why did I come up to Milwaukee for the job? In simple I have 1 bill left to pay off and I hate debt, that is the reason I eliminated all my debt except this one in two years. The car payment is the reason. Course if I put my mind to it I could probably pay it off quicker.

The gravity of the situation is that I need wheels at this time, at least until I turn my back on society. At least until everything has been prepared. I want to live in my own little version of the world, take care of the land, take care of the ancestry. Course I still have to talk to my grandmother about such things.

I would like to make sure the land and stuff stays in the family. Equally distributed among her children, with myself as a caretaker, and the land unable to be sold unless it is to a family member. As a care taker I would like to farm the land, live upon it, and well have the family come and go as they like. A spot where they can remember my grandmother and all the times they spent with her at the house.

That is a gravitational situation though. I know some of my family have my FB page and may not agree, but I think it would be a cool concept. The fact of my current gravitation situation though is to get things prepared so when I leave Milwaukee I leave with the following things completed.

I would like to fully own my car, I would like to have people I can remember as good friends, and I would like everything setup where when I leave it does not affect the lives of the people I leave behind, or the job at all.

I am not saying I am leaving tomorrow, course only time can tell when I do go. But I am certain that I will leave this state. Just like I was certain to leave Florida at some point. Course as I age I realize and crave the gravity of social abandonment.

I guess it was destined to be, during my childhood my best friend was my grandfather. He taught me many things and I absorbed all the words of wisdom he gave me. In childhood I was always found where ever my grandfather was. If anything I think no matter the paths I chose in life, it would have resulted in the Dao anyways. All due to the wisdom and selflessness my grandfather showed me in childhood.

Though I took wrong turns and realize that their is a dog caged up in me, I think this would be the best path scenario. I only owe 11 grand on the car, combined that with 8 grand that I can at anytime slap down on it, it makes the last debt very close at hand. I just have to give up some wants and I am sure I can save enough in a few months to fully pay it off. As for funiture and items I possess, well nothing changes there.

First and fare most the statues I own must go with me, second are my weapons, third are my books, everything else is trivial. Desk computer, furniture, ect, all trivial. In fact when the time comes I leave Milwaukee I am going to turn my back on Computers as a part of my life, with only the occasional entry from someone else computer. I think for me getting out of computer technology is a much needed concept to come true.

I am just waiting for the gravity of the situation to hit the event horizon at this time, which with an event horizon time and space tends to slow down, so it may take 2 or 3 years before that occurs. I just don't know at this point. Only point I do know is that eventually I am going to do as the Daoist ancestors did and go into seclusion.

Creation, Restructure and Travel *Dao*

Creation is a beautiful thing, when atoms form to create a larger entity, or creating an object by putting things together. As a destructive race when it comes to life, humanity builds many things, as a race. I have not built anything lately that has mass, but slowly I build the relations with people I knew and people I know. Though it has no mass it is still a very big creation.

I have started the restructuring too. The Change, the I ching, of my cycles. The Mt. Dew is being slowed up on, and soon maybe I will quit smoking again, but that bridge will occur once I feel the restructure can continue. The best thing about restructuring and finding a path in the forest again, is that there is no hurry or no push to do it. It is your own pace, you own drive that makes it happen.

Think I need a hobby after my caffeine levels go back down. Not sure what but would like to create stuff, something that shows me a skill that I will need when I retire from the world. Maybe I will get a knife and start experimenting with carving and framing. Make mini-houses out of wood from the woods. That might be something, I could carve and niche the wood from the porch too.

The natural order of things is to create, but when one restructures another thing the stability is much stronger. If you create a house with nails and glue, the strength of the natural item is solely dependent on those nails and glue, however if you restructure the items to fit in harmony together without such things the strength is more than that of creation.

A person that finds a religion, or decides to get their body in shape, goes through a restructuring transformation. They are not new, but in a way they are at the same time. Once you were given life you can not re-create yourself. You will always be you, but you can restructure yourself to be something more and slightly different. Just like the caterpillar transforms into a butterfly, if you look careful and remove the wings you still have the caterpillar.

Summer time is coming. I really should find out how much vacation time I have. I would like to go see my grandmother since she is doing better with her heart. I would like to see my cousins, and well pay my respects to the graves of my father and grandfather. The only thing is I would have to fly again, hope i have some dopamine hahah.

Plus I would have to not be at work for x amount of time, which is hard for me at any rate. Usually when I work my life revolves around the job, guess it was my grand parents and my fathers teachings that got me hat way. Raised in the old ways and now that I am older those ways are harder to release oneself from.

Like I said though, you can try to recreate yourself but something from the old you will always remain, and what you end up doing is restructuring the entity that was you. Restructure is always occurring even though people only pay attention to the big things.

The choices though that go with restructuring has prices both positive and negative, so weigh out the restructures well. For example, my Mt. Dew issue. The positive side is my body will feel better, the negative is that I will be extremely tired for weeks, and will have to fight the urge to drink it. Not to mention the headaches for a while.

The question is how much energy does caffeine block, how much Chi will be able to be released after my system clears it out, how much heat will I produce because of it. Long time ago before age set in, I used to be able to produce such heat to concentrate that a single touch felt like I was burning up with the flu, that heat could warm up another persons skin to cause redness with just 1 minute of touch. I would like that skill back, I would like that much chi force once again, but also the ability to control it too. Restructure the life style to increase the energy efficiency and I am sure the quality of life and the extension of life can be restructured as well.

Energy, Chi energy can be positive or negative, without extreme control a single touch can leave a person bruised, but in the same aspect controlled chi can heal a person. A simple touch in three places can render a person in pain, or can ease and heal an person. To help in this I have picked up a book on acupuncture. The points and elemental aspects those points represent will help me in both aspects. The points I already know as destructive, I will be able to heal after words. Chi or Reikei (sp?) can also be restructured, but not created. I don't think there is any recreation of Chi, but only the burning of Chi to restructure it to become more efficient, and more energetic. Which gives the illusion of creating more chi. Since less is needed you think you have more.

Funny a Daoist idea into Chi energy. The less you need the more you have. Well I suppose I don't need my tattoo and I would have more money, I want a laptop but I do not need it, so I would still have more money. Some things in life are not even swaps either, this is where the idea of less for more comes into play. If you do not want something, then you do not chance over paying a price of it's worth. Which in America is an everyday occurrence. If you spend money on a gym membership you are not getting the worth out of the payment. The best mechanism to exercise is free and you already possess it, your body and Chi.

The higher your Chi the more your energy burns calories, without all the wasteful non-chi energy it takes on a machine. Time to go. Work today so I will leave you with this little thought.

Creation is different than restructure, restructure can seem like creation, but when less is more then what has one really done, create or restructure?

The Journey...

Now to catch everyone up to the current place in the journey of my life. It is not a grand adventure, nor a exciting adventure, in fact my life is quite dull, quite boring, and well at times seems like life isn't even there, but it is my journey, the way that comes natural to me.

It has been about a month and a half since I moved to Milwaukee, Wi. The apartment is great, the weather is nice overall. Today I am cold but it is just another thing I will just have to get used to again. At least I am not burning up when I raise my Chi levels during my exercises.

Currently I have not been working out in the normal conventional means. I have not done push-up or benched weights, but maybe today I will. I have been lately practicing my Tai Chi, Sword meditation, and even practiced with my daggers, and axe on a nightly basis. I guess one of the few positive things about living up north, I can raise my Chi levels during exercises and breathing and not feel like I am in hell due to the inner fire.

The work week is currently 5 days a week 8 hours a day. You know personally I miss the 12 hour 3/4 work weeks. I am more exhausted working 5 days a week than working 3 or 4 at 12 hours. Plus only having 2 days off suuuuckkks. Sleep is the same, insomnia has kicked in, and when I do crash, it is a death sleep, dead to the world.

I have settle in I suppose but life here is just like life in Florida, only difference is the weather for me anyways. The people are nice, but I still have a problem being around people. I can't seem to bring myself to trust people will like me, or people will really want to know me, so like the crab I crawl into my shell for safety. Live in my own version of the world for sanity.

What happens though when your guard is let down, when your walls are not built and maintained for a day. Here is the rant part. You get pissed, upset, and well you want to guess some of the choices you made in the journey. My life has been in giving all I have to our customers, regardless if it was at Community Health Solutions, Comnet, or even with XXX. What happens in life when Politics, pressure and time all comes pounding at those walls that are not maintained.

I think I am on a verge of a break down really. I am 32, and well my life has not been at all colorful, or decent. Every step I took was a war, every little thing I have obtained has cost me something in return. My certification and training cost me a part of my humanity by not being there as a pole bearer for my father, my move cost me my safety lines in life, my insecurities about people cost the marriage. My desire for more has left me with little.

For each choice in life there is a payment, this is what I am realizing. To have something cost your something else. To obtain a peaceful part in life it seems that one has to become a mountain person, or a hermit, or a lost person to civilization.

Since being up here in Wisconsin I may have settled into my old routine with the exception of my proper diet, but it has also cost me. Down in Florida I had no stress since I found the Dao, very little anger or being upset. Life was just life, nothing grand nothing dull, just there. Since I moved, I am stressed, I have become pissed off twice now, and honestly it is getting freaking old dealing with a company that wants to piss around and fight for dominance with in departments.

I really hate my natural ability in computers, because no matter the place I have ended up in Corporate America the song and dance is the same. Good for a few years, and then politics start to tear at you. Quite honestly I saw myself a year ago retiring one day from XXX, but lately I would be surprised if I didn't walk after a year.

I don't like conflict and nothing is really worth aggression so I learned a long time ago to walk away from such disasters. One could say that there is a destiny, others can say it is not the destiny but the journey. Well I am only 32 and so far the destination has not made itself clear and the journey for the most part bites. Only a few moments in a persons life does it become clear that they were the most precious moments of life, but usually when you see this you have lost the things that made them so precious.

Loss apparently makes a person realize the gravity of a moment. Since I have lost many things lately and slowly loosing my sanity with this company, I am realizing the gravity of the moment. Maybe it is about time I do what many Doaist do in life at some point, and that is to disappear from the evil grasps of society. Do what I really want to do, survive or die. Go back home, build me a house by my own hands, raise a garden and my own food, and survive or die. At least the politics of Corporate America will not be able to touch me at that state.

At least the only pressure would be survival, the only pressure and only pressing issues would be what to do later in the day. I suppose at that point there will be no more writings on FB, or any updates, but at least there would be more time for important things, raising nature to become a food source. Meditating and exercising, and eventually maybe I would find a peaceful way to live. Right now there is anything but peace, when the company acts like kids and bicker and fight with one another for a power struggle that should not even exist. It should be about the customer, and the end results not how you get there, or that there is a one more little step along the way.

Tell you the truth, I may not last at this company, not because of my aptitude, not because I am not a hard worker, but because of my own choice to leave political crap behind. I would not feel bad though. There are a couple people on my shift that can easily take the network that I am on and proficiently perform what is needed. So I would not feel bad if I did go. I know in the end these people would do their best to take care of the end customer.

The journey so far overall. Boring and frustrating. Wouldn't farming be boring? Not really if you look at it. Your body is busy, your mind can go into a empty state and the results are still the same. Weeding crops takes no mental stamina, but is good for the body, and if one should want to think they can think of things bigger to the meaning of life, than in Corporate America. Where the only thought is how to make money and everyone miserable.

One day I will make that call, and I will pack my car up with what fits and leave. Course that may be two or even five years down the road, or sooner it all depends on my sanity levels and the way I am treated here. In all honesty Wisconsin is not a bad place overall, but no place is bad overall with my lifestyle. I had from the outside world and just want to be in a peaceful state.

Through out my youth, I was all about being around people, going here and there, and causing chaos or going to parties. I am slowly realizing I am way too old to go to clubs, bars, etc. This weekend I went to the club, and meditated for several hours while listening to the rhythm of the music to assist in the meditation. Then when I came home I did my exercises with the swords, axe, and daggers. I realize that I need more practice with the heavenly sword style, but then again I need a shorter sword for the off hand instead of using a reverse blade and a katana.

These are the things that sooth me. Clubs, bars, even shooting pool seems to not sooth me. I am starting to realize the Dao is changing me, the I ching of life and the Dao are tied together. Things I used to like are pointless now, and things I used to hate, like just sitting still, or rocking back and forth seem to be relaxing and bring harmony within me.

So in short the journey is: Wisconsin is alright, work sucks and is starting to really piss me off, and life in daily dealings is starting to push me further and further away from dealing with people. Not like I have any problems talking with people on a one on one basis but going out into public I still have a big problem with it.

The Sky That Never Goes Black *Poet Dao*

The sky is on the edge of existence, seeming so close you can touch it but always out of reach. Seems like life lately resembles the sky. A sky that is cloudy with white fluffy clouds seems to bring many people happiness while the sun beats down and warms their body. A graceful time that many take for granted, like life a great graceful entity of daily existence, but never really thought about.

Currently it is night time, and like so many things taken away from me in my life, I miss the pitch dark sky the most. The serene feeling of being the small significant being alone in the world. Times used to think of my life, times to think of how to do good for others, and time to think of those I lost and love them even more. All taken due to a move, due to a career, due to greed.

The black rose of night with tiny diamonds flashing on the petals. Many see daytime as being a beautiful day, but the ways I could describe the pitch black night. The blank canvas with a mystical moon on the horizon looking down like a lovely lady craving for attention. The winking of a star to let you know that your noticed, such a way that a lady winks across the darkened bar.

The cool wind blows to sooth your inner fire, the fire burning the edges of the darken seductress. The slight movement of the night life makes your heart race from the mystery like a ladies passion on the first meeting. The fact that you watch the earth in darkness and yet for some reason it feels like you protect those that sleep. A night walker in every sense of the word and then in some that others can not fathom.

The passion of the dark night, the mystery, the seduction, the caress, and the serenity have disappeared from my life at this time. I go to smoke and I see a sky that never gets totally dark. Always a light in the sky, clouds seen with a strange tint, with a evil cruelty my life sees the darkness as a place to retreat to for happiness. Now that I go outside to enjoy such things I see the light, and the sky that never goes black.

Things most take for granted, is all that I have in life, and yet some of the simple things like a sky that is completely black I have lost as well. The night sky is a mistress, feminine and lovely. The daylight sky is masculine and harsh.

Bob Segar - Turn the Page.... Yea only a few know what that means. My brothers, and possibly my ex-wife. It is good to remember though even though it becomes sad. Just like him, I have had the black sky ripped from me.

People ask if I am happy up here, how can I answer that truthfully? Truth is I don't know what love really is, not like other people. My love is different, my love is painful, and my love spans time.I think I have made love painful to force myself to feel something toward the women of my life. Being with them just was not enough to spawn a lasting emotional effect. To love and lost make you remember daily the good feelings, but also brings on the feelings of lost, regret, and the pain in the heart. You know you love someone when you go through heartbreak daily. I guess I am different from many people. They would want to hold on to a loved one.

I thrive in the opposite world of normality. Heartache, depression, regret are daily experience for me, but I also use them as fuel to do my other things in life, like staying on the path, doing right to others. Am I happy, truth is I have never known happiness so I would have to say no. I can't define the word, I can not do it justice by attempting to, they say that negative emotions has a lasting effect on a person and the positive is just a glimpse of a moment and soon forgotten.

So if a moment does not last like happiness, how is one truly to understand it? No I am not happy here, but I am not unhappy here either. It is and that is about all it is. You just have not gotten out and experienced the city. Truth is, that really is not me, I will get out once and a while, but if I can not define happiness how will I know what it is when I find it? It is as elusive as my sky that does not ever seem to go black anymore.

I really miss her, my black rose, my mistress of the night. I loved to sing to her, and to hear the whispers of the night that only come when the darkness encompasses everything. When the earth seems to stand still and existence seems to dissolve away like smoke in a breeze. The whispers of those thoughts in peoples dreams. The non-pushed emotions of the night, the natural caress of a mother to a child, the blacken sky of nature. The black sky is like a sea of endless possibilities, where one can dream, think, or sing without any guards up.

Seems to be easy to find a person in the world of billions, however how do you find one that likes what you like, that is as unique but similar in a way that benefits both? A woman of the night, a woman of the blacken sky. A person that enjoys the gray days, and the rain more than the sun and the clear light of the ball of fire. My mistress of the night my Sky has been that for so long.

With so much turmoil in life right now, I was hoping to be comforted by her. Now I lost my serenity of a Sea of Serenity, a Malevolent Mistress of darkness, a beautiful seductress, and a life long friend, due to a sky that never turns black.