Tree and Light

From a seedling the plant grows into a tree. Without water or light that seedling would curl up and die. A sparrow with it's wings clipped can not live as it was meant to; instead it would live in a cage.

When I was young and ran away from home, I took a nap on the mountain side, exhausted from my hike, I was to the point where life did not matter, only freedom. I did not care about snakes, rats, insects, spiders, or any other danger of the wilderness.

Looking back I kind of envy my determination of getting away from a bad life, how good have I made it though. I never graduated school, instead I got a GED, went to tech school, and have went through various walks of life.

I played the smart ass kid part really well, the troubled youth extremely well. I even played the husband for 7 years, which was no small task. Living with a person for that long and having a relationship takes a real big determination. With all the roles in life that I played I would say I have experienced enough of them.

So what happened to it all. What happened to my sunlight, my water. It feels like everything just pisses me off lately. I close my eyes and work crap enters my head, humanity in all its shinning glory (sarcasm) shows through.

See I never really have enjoyed any portion of my life really. If I was to be truthful I would say that I have dislike the majority of it. From the harassment when I was a child, to my teenage years when I became rebellious, to even today. It really has not had any light, or any water. At a period it had a brief light and water. When I was married I at least had a purpose, but divorce quickly ruins chances of that happening again any time soon.

So I am stranded in a decent state, but with a job that is driving me insane, and I don't use that word lightly. Today I was sitting there on the porch listening to heavy metal, and all I could think about was how disgusted and angry at humanity I was.

I suppose I have a lot of sadness to go through still, a lot of issues to work out, but what is more important in ones life, Money or sanity? Sure I could stick around and loose my insanity, I can see why Charles Manson was like he was. I feel akin to them in some ways, and for reasons I do not follow their path.

What I would really like in life is something many could not understand at least not on the surface. I have set in place a way to prevent me from getting to the point of suicide, but at the same time Death is what I really want, but not for the reasons one would think.

I would embrace death for the peace and quiet, I would embrace it for the lack of hardships and simplicity of it. I really do not have any regrets really, and all my affairs are in order if it does come from outside my own control.

I experienced love, thank you Brina. I experienced marriage and divorce, thanks to Jessica. I have experienced pain, betrayal, sorrow, loss, and dark paths that shattered my very foundations. I have rarely seen happiness, caring, and a sense of honor from many people. This makes my heart ache.

This also produced the being I am today. I give off an aura of danger, fear, or darkness to force people away. I dress in what I dress to fend the human interaction off. I present a cold front because honestly I have lead a life of coldness. The parents did become good people, and I understand that parenting does not come with an instruction book.

I tried my hands at a father, honestly that was difficult but that is one memory I will take beyond my grave. Honestly I was a hard dad, but I was just too. I believe that I loved that child more than myself. Think I always will miss him, and miss her too. I only saw her briefly after she was born. Though time has hardened the heart, the child was a shining sun for this plant. Too bad the mother was an addict, and a dishonorable person at the time.

Life continues, everyday I wake up. Some people are grateful when they wake up, most just ignore it. Yet people like me, we curse it, we want the peace that is brought by death. No I am not suicidal right now, and yes I know many people love me and many would be affected by my death.

But honestly what can I give to this cruel world, what can I offer it. I am not the brightest person, I am not a scientist, and well I already failed in my marital duties when I had them. I don't like visiting people, or talking to people or even going out in public for that matter. It takes a lot of energy just to go out in public in todays time, even to work, that I feel exhausted physically, mentally, and well unstable when I do.

It is like a seedling without light and without water. In Jacksonville it was a caged bird feeling, here it is a sickly feeling. The only things that changed between here and Freakville is the following: Work and no brother. Same lifestyle, same mental prison, same thoughts, but now more stress, and no family to go chill with. No going to a club and getting totally plastered since the sis isn't here to get drunk with me. My weekend is coming to a close and it was only 2 days, it really does suck.

From a caged bird, to a seedling without water and light. Honestly I really do believe if something does not give then my life will become very dark, very unfulfilled, and well psychotic. When I say psychotic I mean loss of all attachment, and emotions.

I suppose I am just another statistic that became a person without life in them, that just drones on from day to day doing what they should instead of living life, finding life, living each day like it is the last. What would I do if it was the last day alive?

Listen to music is loose fitting clothing mending a garden. Quite honestly that is pretty much it, sing songs while I garden. Sounds grand doesn't it. Others would go to fancy restaurants, do something risky, or party as much as possible, hell the drug addicts would spend their money and go out in a drug induced comma. Give me my plants, nature, and anything not really dealing with society and I can find some solace in it. At least I would feel for the day that I contributed to something. Going to work, making relationships, marriage, all this breaks, or is really no contribution at all. Even if the marriage or relationship does not break in a divorce, it can not overcome death.

Nature was here before us, will be here after us, if not on this planet then on another. So I would like to assist in the growth of nature, fruits, food, watching a deer pounce through the woods, listen to a stream flowing, telling those that listen of the journey it has taken. Something that really shows what life should be about. I suppose this is what I would do if it was my last day to live. To plant the memory in my mind of how pure life can be, not what humanity has made it to be.

Plant a tree, water it, and lay down to rest the eternal sleep. I would like to die in nature quiet honestly. Breathe my final breath outside on a mountain, during the fall, when it is a crisp pure tasting air.

If I ever get back to a point where I can become a hermit, I plan on taking the chance and doing it. Suppose I may get out the handbook I had to read for survival in nature. Work on sashing ropes and wood, how to frame wood, and such. Personally I would like to live in a secluded spot, where family are but society can not reach me. At least then when I do die it will be in peace. If I died tomorrow it would be wrong, I would die pissed, angry, and disgusted. I want to die a peaceful death, under a tree sapling, that I had just watered.