Mental Clock Tower

Walking up the mountain the priest looked up toward the temple stretching high into the sky. The architecture of the temple showed a beauty that most buildings rarely ever has. The majestic scenery with the magnificent architecture just took his breath away.

For the briefest of moments the sight appeared, the thief of beauty took his breathe away. In another blink of his eyes the planets surrounded him. With none in particular in mind, a black hole present so close he could touch it. Pulsars, Red Dwarves, planets with a dark red tint of life. A light that is soft on the eyes where it always seems like dawn when the sun is the highest point in the sky.

Another blink and the image is stolen away, replaced by images of moving and swirling energy. Dark and light combines together in a harmony. Plants, animals, and the atmosphere combining and flowing in a illuminated scene of colors.

Where one has lost their path, there is another that finds their way. Those that loose sight of what is important, will surely find it once they open their eyes. When loosing a love, one just needs to open their eyes and accept the loss. For where there is loss there is also gain, it usually comes way later, irony and all.

A world in a blink of an eye, an eternity in a moment of breathing. Time is a perception of a span of thought. A thought can last a second or an eternity. The clock tower ticks for all mankind, but not the minute and seconds of each day. The clock tower is the time of experience. A giant tower of cogs and wheels where all the good times, and not so good times are stored. A blink of an eye and the time shifts to a memory to re-live through again, a moment later and another experience is being added to the tower.

Life has given me many memories, some great and some sad. But my best thought happens to be my worst thought as well. The thought that brings me the most happiness is when I was married, but it is also the worst thought as well. Some things were good in the marriage and others were not.

Winter in a life is for reflection, at least that is what I believed, but can it not be said that reflection can not really happen if you re-live the times in your clock tower. If a clock tower takes no note of time, reflection can happen and re-living the time can occur as well. So sad times like these are not so sad when you simply re-live that time in your own little world.

What happens to a person each time a heart breaks, how many heartbreaks can one take before the heart can not be repaired? Guess this is a rhetorical question, for so long as their heart can be broken it can also be mended.

Well since it has been a day since writing this, it ends here.

Tree and Light

From a seedling the plant grows into a tree. Without water or light that seedling would curl up and die. A sparrow with it's wings clipped can not live as it was meant to; instead it would live in a cage.

When I was young and ran away from home, I took a nap on the mountain side, exhausted from my hike, I was to the point where life did not matter, only freedom. I did not care about snakes, rats, insects, spiders, or any other danger of the wilderness.

Looking back I kind of envy my determination of getting away from a bad life, how good have I made it though. I never graduated school, instead I got a GED, went to tech school, and have went through various walks of life.

I played the smart ass kid part really well, the troubled youth extremely well. I even played the husband for 7 years, which was no small task. Living with a person for that long and having a relationship takes a real big determination. With all the roles in life that I played I would say I have experienced enough of them.

So what happened to it all. What happened to my sunlight, my water. It feels like everything just pisses me off lately. I close my eyes and work crap enters my head, humanity in all its shinning glory (sarcasm) shows through.

See I never really have enjoyed any portion of my life really. If I was to be truthful I would say that I have dislike the majority of it. From the harassment when I was a child, to my teenage years when I became rebellious, to even today. It really has not had any light, or any water. At a period it had a brief light and water. When I was married I at least had a purpose, but divorce quickly ruins chances of that happening again any time soon.

So I am stranded in a decent state, but with a job that is driving me insane, and I don't use that word lightly. Today I was sitting there on the porch listening to heavy metal, and all I could think about was how disgusted and angry at humanity I was.

I suppose I have a lot of sadness to go through still, a lot of issues to work out, but what is more important in ones life, Money or sanity? Sure I could stick around and loose my insanity, I can see why Charles Manson was like he was. I feel akin to them in some ways, and for reasons I do not follow their path.

What I would really like in life is something many could not understand at least not on the surface. I have set in place a way to prevent me from getting to the point of suicide, but at the same time Death is what I really want, but not for the reasons one would think.

I would embrace death for the peace and quiet, I would embrace it for the lack of hardships and simplicity of it. I really do not have any regrets really, and all my affairs are in order if it does come from outside my own control.

I experienced love, thank you Brina. I experienced marriage and divorce, thanks to Jessica. I have experienced pain, betrayal, sorrow, loss, and dark paths that shattered my very foundations. I have rarely seen happiness, caring, and a sense of honor from many people. This makes my heart ache.

This also produced the being I am today. I give off an aura of danger, fear, or darkness to force people away. I dress in what I dress to fend the human interaction off. I present a cold front because honestly I have lead a life of coldness. The parents did become good people, and I understand that parenting does not come with an instruction book.

I tried my hands at a father, honestly that was difficult but that is one memory I will take beyond my grave. Honestly I was a hard dad, but I was just too. I believe that I loved that child more than myself. Think I always will miss him, and miss her too. I only saw her briefly after she was born. Though time has hardened the heart, the child was a shining sun for this plant. Too bad the mother was an addict, and a dishonorable person at the time.

Life continues, everyday I wake up. Some people are grateful when they wake up, most just ignore it. Yet people like me, we curse it, we want the peace that is brought by death. No I am not suicidal right now, and yes I know many people love me and many would be affected by my death.

But honestly what can I give to this cruel world, what can I offer it. I am not the brightest person, I am not a scientist, and well I already failed in my marital duties when I had them. I don't like visiting people, or talking to people or even going out in public for that matter. It takes a lot of energy just to go out in public in todays time, even to work, that I feel exhausted physically, mentally, and well unstable when I do.

It is like a seedling without light and without water. In Jacksonville it was a caged bird feeling, here it is a sickly feeling. The only things that changed between here and Freakville is the following: Work and no brother. Same lifestyle, same mental prison, same thoughts, but now more stress, and no family to go chill with. No going to a club and getting totally plastered since the sis isn't here to get drunk with me. My weekend is coming to a close and it was only 2 days, it really does suck.

From a caged bird, to a seedling without water and light. Honestly I really do believe if something does not give then my life will become very dark, very unfulfilled, and well psychotic. When I say psychotic I mean loss of all attachment, and emotions.

I suppose I am just another statistic that became a person without life in them, that just drones on from day to day doing what they should instead of living life, finding life, living each day like it is the last. What would I do if it was the last day alive?

Listen to music is loose fitting clothing mending a garden. Quite honestly that is pretty much it, sing songs while I garden. Sounds grand doesn't it. Others would go to fancy restaurants, do something risky, or party as much as possible, hell the drug addicts would spend their money and go out in a drug induced comma. Give me my plants, nature, and anything not really dealing with society and I can find some solace in it. At least I would feel for the day that I contributed to something. Going to work, making relationships, marriage, all this breaks, or is really no contribution at all. Even if the marriage or relationship does not break in a divorce, it can not overcome death.

Nature was here before us, will be here after us, if not on this planet then on another. So I would like to assist in the growth of nature, fruits, food, watching a deer pounce through the woods, listen to a stream flowing, telling those that listen of the journey it has taken. Something that really shows what life should be about. I suppose this is what I would do if it was my last day to live. To plant the memory in my mind of how pure life can be, not what humanity has made it to be.

Plant a tree, water it, and lay down to rest the eternal sleep. I would like to die in nature quiet honestly. Breathe my final breath outside on a mountain, during the fall, when it is a crisp pure tasting air.

If I ever get back to a point where I can become a hermit, I plan on taking the chance and doing it. Suppose I may get out the handbook I had to read for survival in nature. Work on sashing ropes and wood, how to frame wood, and such. Personally I would like to live in a secluded spot, where family are but society can not reach me. At least then when I do die it will be in peace. If I died tomorrow it would be wrong, I would die pissed, angry, and disgusted. I want to die a peaceful death, under a tree sapling, that I had just watered.

Walking

The day has grown grey as the storm moves in. For some reason the bright day is depressing in a way. Light shines and like a snake I just want to bath in the heat, course as a child of the night the brightness hurts at times.

The grey clouds slowly turn dark, the wind howls around and then like death springing upon it's prey, a lightning bolt. The smile makes creases alone the face that hardly ever smiles, and something inside snaps. A giggle starts to form like an insanity that can not be contained. The stronger the lightning, the faster the wind, the less control over the euphoria that is forming.

Unlike many people I love a storm, and unlike those that do enjoy the rain, I become euphoric and childlike in my insane laughter, my taunting of the storm for bigger bolts of the blue lines, for more fierce winds that would push people down. And rain the glorious essence that brings life's blood to all creatures.

The lightning clears lands, starts fires, but is that not natural in order to clear a place for the next generation of earthly forests? Is it not the purpose of a storm in the end to bring about new life? This destruction and mayhem brings with it an adrenaline rush as well.

Up and down I jump, like a little kid at Christmas. The stronger it becomes the more awake and alive I feel. The possibility of playing with a tornado, or playing games with a flood, just brings my mentality to a totally completed nirvana.

The day I day I think I would like it to storm, I would love and appreciate it if this world sends me off with a little of what I loved so much in this world. A storm, but not just any storm, I would like to sit there on my death bead and witness a perfect storm, a storm that was given to me by the planet I have loved so much.

If you cut the human element this world is really a great place to live upon. It has fantastic light shows, dark days, bright nights, and on occasion can bring a smile to the face of a person that rarely smiles. For that reason alone I must say I appreciate the earth's storms and disasters. One man's disaster is another mans dream as it was to be said.

Thank You all. Tonight I have taken some sleeping medicine. So I should be off for now.

Stonework *Dao*

Life provides many steps like those made of stone. The master states that life is like a stone. Walk on it and let rain hit it and without proper care the rock will erode and become that of a pebble. Rock is hard but with the slightest touch over time the rock will become smooth and will become small in size.

Each thing in life takes time, and care to be present, like maintaining a stone walk way. Sweep it wash it, and dry it. Never water a stone at night for the sun is not there to dry it. Truth is water expands whatever it touches if only by a slight amount. The expansion with pressure can cause the rock to break, however to dry of a rock will also cause a rock to crack.

I guess life is somewhat like a rock. If your too careful the dry life will crack, and if your not careful enough then life will break. I have never really considered myself to be a good looking fellow, nor a strong gentleman, but I guess that is a way I see myself. In reality I wear away the edges of the rock by being too careful.

One stone a mountain you have not, but many many pebbles can become a mountain. A boulder in the middle of the river can be moved by the current given time. When a person thinks of stone they think stability and fortitude, but any mountain person that has climbed or lived in mountains know that stones are not always secure. In fact stones can be quite the opposite, they can move under your feet, or slide around.

Things are not always what they seem, and occasionally people forget that in their observations. Why bring up stone works, and observations. Well a path laid out should be built with stone on top of water. Giving you the stability of the rock and yet the free flowing of motion from the water. Never forgetting that in observations that things can be quite the opposite from what they appear to be.

Everything has a yin side and a yang side, but most people see one side and ignores the other. Their observations are clouded in a haze of prejudgment. A decision they made up through emotional ties wrapped up from past experiences, and sometimes rightfully so. The pain of loosing love can hurt worse than never having love again.

I have laid a path before me, and while this path is made of stone some careful steps need to be performed to allow fluidity to flourish as well. The plan is simple really, plus it gives the joys of both yin and yang. The plan has the fluidity of being with a person or without. Allowing peace of mind while giving me the ability to engage my mind at will, instead of always having my mind engaged.

Looking up at the galaxy during my vacation, I realized that compared to the things in this universe I am but a small pebble looking for the right beach and the right pebbles to call home. I am a pebble being swept by a current that I can only nudge in a direction. A tidal force being the propulsion of my way. I do not have to be great or grand, or even smart or funny. I just have to be a pebble and let the tidal force plant me where I am to be for the time being. Being content with where I am and what I have been given by the river of time, the river of fate.

Compared to a star I am just a grain of sand on a little blue planet. A beautiful blue and green planet. Being small and realizing I am small is humbling, and to be honest I am fine with being a small spec of sand, hidden in the background that people do not see, only ones that see the light from this pebble are those that look. I am fine with knowing there are few out there that can acknowledge this pebble, and that enjoy having this pebble around.

Just background noise for all others, a piece of dirt nothing special, but in the dirt you occasionally find gold, and only those that look at the dirt will find it. Those that go on by and say, nothing special about that it is just a piece of dirt, will pass a gold nugget without realizing it.

My lesson for today. We are small compared to the view of the galaxy. We observe humanity with emotions and prejudge things instead of looking for the good in people. If you never find out what is beneath the surface you may never find the finer things of a person.

The Lady in Red *Not Dao*

So after coming home and visiting my family and talking to neighbors and stuff I have come to the conclusion on some things in my life.

I doubt many people would attend my funeral, or talk much about me after I pass, though I know some will. I know my first love will be sad if I left, as well as family members. Some of the acquaintances would be saddened to know my personality will be lost to the world. The mortality effect comes to mind on vacation.

Talking with a great lady we talked about significant others. I am all for being a lone in life. I was had the epiphany when I came up that if I ever came back to Ohio I would have to be comfortable living alone, because there would be no girl that fits the Lady in Red syndrome I have going on.

What is the lady in red syndrome? Well my lady in red would have to be physically hot, loyal, with no kids, and head over heals in love (i mean fully in love not this fictional or infatuation crap people deal with), and be an intellect. She would need to make sure that I eat and stop doing things I shouldn't like my Mt. Dew. Remind me to eat. See simple everyday things most people remember to do, slips my mind.

The lady in red would need to be Asian heritage, with a great complexion that seems to be etched in marble and one time can not seem to touch. Most important is the intellect and creativity of the person would have to be phenomenal as I get bored to easy. I get really bored really quick. I don't think there is a person of that stature in my home town, and since I have gotten to the point of not wanting a relationship period, it will be hard to find a person like this even in Milwaukee. Simple fact of the matter is that I want my Lady in Red but have no drive to find her, or should I say no desire to put time in such a search anymore. Each time I break up a relationship my choices become more impossible to find, and harder to fit.

I realize that more than likely I will be alone for the rest of my life, and where most people would be sad I am perfectly at ease with this thought. Though it is not good for my health, or mental state at all. I guess being human demands some sort of human interaction even if it is just a little. Right now in my life I am fine with it since I have a room mate, but one day I fear of just loosing my mind. I guess that is my biggest concern. Though I want to eventually work for a company that requires physical work and not technical thinking, I fear my mind is being overly used and will give out on the strands of reality one day.

I value a human mind, I value thought and creative thinking. I would be lost if I could not write, or could not have an intellectual conversation or debate with someone. I think at that point boredom would kick in so much that I would totally give up and flip out on society.

So my dreams of finding the woman in red seems at this point in my life hopeless. Could I have a girlfriend tomorrow? If I wanted to and got over my rejection of people in general I could. But when people just hurt people and act like they are in high school, why would I want to trust anyone? My heart has had several breaks and I don't think I would live through another crack. My heart would shatter and if the heart shatters so can the mind. Going through a heartbreak is hard on the body, the emotions, and the mind.

I am not a person that can outwardly show emotions, but I do care about people, though sometimes I am harsh with my words, but the harshness comes from a constant failure of people I was with in life. I always try to bet on sure things, and it is about the security of doing a sure thing, but how can you bet on another humans emotions when they are easily subjected to a change that seems to come from nowhere.

I occasionally write the ex-wife, letting her know I hope she finds happiness, and that her life is going well. Guess being an adult is still beyond her so it seems. I never get a response back, probably never will since most people have the high school syndrome. It is not like I want to get back with her, or even have any harsh feelings toward her, but it seems that she has harsh feelings toward me, and I was the one that wanted to work it out.

In today's time I have no harsh feelings toward the ex-girlfriend that claims she had my child. I even tried to mend that area of my life. I put the ball in her court and nothing came out of it. I will say that at this time of my life I am no longer consumed with curiosity of the child, or consumed by questions about the child.

At one point in my marriage I was consumed about the possibility of the child being mine. Way I see it now is that the child is going on 13 and I have never been aloud in her life, so I am not even the father, or dad. Even if DNA proved this to be the case, I would not feel either way about the issue. I put forth the effort to correct the wrongs, and it seems like action and kind words do not even phase this generation of people. It really makes me sick of dealing with people in reality. It makes me ill just to see day to day activities of people.

It is hard to become a friend of mine, most people are acquaintances, a friend is for life, but a friend is more than just someone I talk to, or care about. I care about my acquaintances too, a friend is on the verge of being family. I suppose the biggest regret I have at this point is still being around to witness this crap world ran by ignorant politicians, arguing political parties, and people that could never stop treating people like they are in high school.

Wake up people, you making a society of degenerate, evil, and cruel people. People that turn off their emotions, that doesn't want anything to do with others, and rarely cares about their own emotions. But those same people are the ones that will do something for another person quickly and without any question to their own profitability out of the situation.

Inevitability *Dao somewhat*

It is inevitable that I breath, that I eat, that I sleep. The validity of truth will remain as what the observer sees as right, though the eyes can betray, the ears deceive, the heart waiver in the presence of truth.

The conviction of those to who live by emotional needs, emotional ties is staggering to those that have lived life with nothing but logical thinking as the dominate side. Logic over-rules the emotions and ensures a working environment of ones mental state.

A persons pantheon in life is usually towards their own self wants and self worth. It is inevitable, humanity is just egotistical, they have not be taught differently, or allowed to adjust to the true nature of the world and cosmos. The credence that all things are connected, and all things have cause and effect on everything else.

A person's volition is stronger when driven by egotistical mannerisms. Society does not realize that the inevitability of evil is spawn from the society rules, guidelines, and code to start with. As a person becomes more popular, more situated into a social event, or structure the more evil comes creeping into their heart.

There are many things inevitable in life and in death. It is inevitable that we met, and it will be inevitable that we meet in the future although we have not met yet. A meeting between two people about this and that.

The 4th dimension, space time is pushing against you, while pulling you together. Gravity pulls you down to earth, keeping you from floating into space, in truth gravity pulls you to a single point, like that of a black whole pulling elements to a single point. Time works in an inevitable way, always aging things and yet giving things birth and youth.

I suppose it is inevitable that I am the way I am, I am who I am, and I do things the way I do them. More importantly it is inevitable that emotions are not easy to understand them.

Linear Thought vs. Quantum Thought. *Dao*

I borrowed this from another site, which got it from Oxford encyclopedia/dictionary.

linear, a. and n.

Add: [A.][3.]c. Of causation, evolution, time, etc.: progressing in a single direction by regular steps or stages, sequential.

- 1948 E. WHITTAKER Space & Spirit xxxix. 126 In the argument as usually presented..all chains of causation are simple linear sequences.
- 1954 A. P. USHER Hist. Mech. Inventions (ed. 2) ii. 30 The cultures of antiquity do not fit the patterns of the linear sequences of social and economic evolution developed by the German Historical Schools.
- 1972 R. D. WALSHE in G. W. Turner Good Austral. Eng. xi. 228 The McLuhan thesis that..‘linear thinking’..had been rendered obsolete by the new ‘in-depth’, ‘all-at-once’ thinking of the electronic media.
- 1979 P. MATTHIESSEN Snow Leopard i. 60 The Australian aborigines..distinguish between linear time and a ‘Great Time’ of dreams, myths, and heroes, in which all is present in this moment.
- 1983 P. LIVELY Perfect Happiness viii. 112 Time, that should be linear, had become formless.
- 1992 Forum Mod. Lang. Stud. Jan. 22 It is impossible to over-emphasise the importance of the poet's decision to keep the inexorable linear flow of time intact on each occasion when a-temporally is alluded to."

Now with this all out in the open, let me explain quantum idea. The idea where all points are tied to each other point. Thinking in quantum allows one to think of all possibilities of a situation rather quickly by accessing parts of the mind quicker than the process of sequenced thought.

Most of peoples mind work in a process of 1 then 2 then 3. where quantum thought starts and ends with 1, but in 1 it also holds 2 3 and on. How is this possible? The mind is a computer they say right, but it is more than just your average x86 or Risc computer. It is actually a quantum computer. Like today we have technology far better than we use, but the capital of making such machines is too costly at the time, so we wait years after it's development so it can be cost effective.

Generally this is how most people think. They think far below their potential. In fact humanity lives far below it's potential, thinks below it's potential, and acts far far below it's potential.

The statement, walk away because nothing is worth fighting for spawns the following from the linear thought form.

Sure things are worth fighting for. x life is worth fighting for, or y idea is worth fighting for.

Quantum thought tries to calculate every possibility and determines the best outcome for all. If x is protected, then z who was trying to kill x is killed. That spawns w to kills x and which will start an endless cycle of blood. So no life is really worth fighting for. Not in the aspects one uses fight in today terms.

Besides there are many ways to accomplish the same thing without the loss of life. The art of war states that a battle is only truly one if no life is lost. Using spies, having the enemy struggle within upon their choices. To win the battle without fighting is much better way to accomplish something.

Unlike the majority of people out there that talk without realizing what exactly they say, it is not their fault thought. It is more society brain washing. It is however the fault of a person not to question society, to lead life according to what the news stations say, or the magazines, TV, even computer says how you should live and think.

I say there is emotion is useless, and well it is in certain aspects. When searching for truth emotion can cloud judgements and calculations, also it can form bias standings, which get in the way of calculated and proven truths. The emotions of the people of earth was that it was flat, so people did not sail to the edge of the world. The emotions of falling off kept them from calculating the truth fully. So yes feelings in a degree are useless, but in other aspects such as the arts, emotions are priceless.

In my life they are more worthless on a daily basis than what others think they are, but I still feed my emotions and let them out to play when I write. When dealing with people the well the more closed in the emotions the more truth and the more resolutions can appear to happen. I would rather not have emotions involved in dealing with people so I can focus on their emotional give a ways.

My path in life encompasses those parts of the soul, inner being that others try to carve out of themselves. Which may make me seem heartless, cold, evil, or murderous. But at least I am a whole person. Yes I lead life in a very monk type way, but it does not mean I cut out the side of my inner being that loves to harm and hurt. I humour the thought, but redirect it at the same time to a positive manner. When I talk about my darker side, it may seem disturbing, or un-sage worthy, but trust me, at least when I die, I will be a whole person that enjoyed the journey and the death all the way to the end. Why? Because I lived according to my path, my Dao and not anyone else.

Do I care what people think of me? No. I really don't. If they like me or hate me, it is their opinion. Since I was young I thought outside the normal, since I was young I did not fit in but yet somehow did. The Dao state if you have one thing you will find the complete opposite as well regardless of what you do it will eventually happen. So here is a thought, if you try to totally get rid of hate, greed, anger, and destruction, what else are you truly giving up? The opposites of such emotions. You hide them, you can't get rid of them. Then you claim you love xyz or your not angry, or your not greedy, all the time such humbling actions are untrue.

Only a person that has come to terms with such emotions can control such emotions. Do I feel bad about anything in life? No not really, I have come to a calm spot though sometimes dark, or cold but it still is comfortable and natural for me. Why should I fight when I can walk away. Just because someone wants to put a roadblock up in front of me I will just flow with the water and go in a different direction. In the end the water will be there however what use is a damn if the water is taken a way?

There are so many calculations that one can do for death. Bottom line though is it will happen if you fight or not, it is part of the cycle. If you fight you use energy for a cause that in a few years really won't matter anyway. Picking your battles? Na, if you want the water to flow a different way, build a canal, not a damn.

Only linear thought thinks the only way to force water is to build a damn, if that is not option then go to a canal. Better yet relocate the water and it's source and you do not have to waste energy in building something, plus you provide the water to an area that needs it more. Oh what wait, that is not in a sequence. Here is another idea, compress it, slow it to a bare crawl on a molecular level, if atoms of water do not move, then the water will not move.

all viable options on how to manipulate a situation without building a damn. In other words all ways to handle a situation without a fight, or at least a full energy fight. Use the weight and energy of the opposing force against itself.

Most of civilization and I use the term loosely, will willingly immediately try to fight and claim it is survival instinct. The animals and creatures that survive is not only using instinct, but calculated moves, with a cool head. Survival instincts coming from a linear thought person is nothing but words spewing out. The first thing they do in a crisis is panic.

Quantum thinkers, instantly have at least 5 plans for an exit strategy, and stipulations to issues that may come up. These are the true survival instincts of nature. Rely on emotions and more than likely you will not survive, rely on calculated, and planned logic and the odds greatly improve.

A sage has full control of the emotions, but it does not mean they lack the darker side, it means they accepted that side and chose to redirect it for the highest benefit of others. A sage that lacked the animal inside or portions of that animal was no sage at all, but a religious (with the rules that tame all others) leader.

Religion is a virus to me. Pick a religion any. Then ask a question that brings that religion into a darker light or leads to a logical reason why it should not be and the priest gets upset. Why because the religion is set up based on faith with the inability to question things. It has golden rules that one is supposed to follow that helps priest become rich, or control people. In my deepest thought, religion is the majority source of all problems in the world. The biggest contributor to a social deterioration of values, and more and more blood in the world.

People who would start to try to develop quantum thought instead of linear would be so much quicker in finding answers, because they are not afraid to think in all directions at once, and yet still keep all thoughts separated, or link them all together for an answer.

See the brain is capable of multi-threading and multi-tasking. The body however is not so much. There is a delay in the hands, and eyes. But if calculating theory, thoughts, ideas, close the eyes, calm the body and let the mind free of restraint and soon you will find that circles and patterns, and multiple thoughts running at once with ease you keep up to them. I think the sages of old were also quantum thinkers as well, and not so much as linear thinkers.

I will leave you at that point to think upon. All things seem different in this blog tonight but all things relate.

Fedora Update

The Jade Monk has loaded up the Fedora drive today. Now I have 4 desktops and 4 times the power to research with. 4 times the speed of wimpows, not to mention the ability to do things quicker.

The Jade Monk also leaves facebook open all the time, even though I am not at the computer it looks like I am online. I leave programs up so I do not have to wait for them to load up again.

Some days the Jade Monk is so pre-occupied that he ignores the phones, IM's and mails. There is so much I wish to accomplish, some things to learn, some ideas to pan out. Being alone is not all that bad. I prefer it mostly. It is not as lonely when you choose a world that keeps your thoughts away from being alone.

I guess I am gifted with an over active mind. I can think about 200 different directions and still remain a constant separation of the threads of thoughts. I like to think of the scientific and the abstract. I like to sit in the darkness and let the thoughts roam. This is the things I find more enjoyable.

So now I am watching Fruits Basket anime. I forgot how I found this anime, but it is pretty cool with a lot of lessons that I still need to work on even. Fedora is booted up and I will be very much writing more, and researching more. There goes sleep for a while, I suppose I will have to learn to slow my mind down when it is time to sleep.

Well I am outta here, got more Linux enjoyment to go through.

In the news ... *J.C. Style Reasoning*

In the news:

After Israel Raids Flotilla, US Is Torn Between Allies

Honestly we can kill two birds with one stone. As a country we need to give up our world watch dog status and share it with another up coming country. We need to focus on our side of the planet and well we need a power house on the other side of the country that can assist us with the watch dog status. China wants more respect, how better to show your respect but to add more responsibility for the the country to deal with. Israel, turkey, and all those other religious fanatic areas will be watched over by a state that can care less about religion or disputes that obviously are religious based.

Let's admit it, the only reason US government does not give China more responsibilities is for 2 obvious reasons. They are not Democratic, and they are not a Christian built country. Personally I think the US needs to take a few steps back and quit playing in the yards of others. Sharing the watch dog status with China and listening to their ideas for their backyard, is better than a country around the world that is separated by ocean telling them what to do. But in the same aspect we share our ideas, on both sides of the globe. Think of it as they are the strength over there, but the idea's over here. We are the strength over here and the idea's over there.

Does not mean they have to agree with the ideas, but they should consider them, just like we should consider their ideas with as much tenacity as our own ideas. The whole Turkey and Israel conflict just shows how inexperienced and inappropriate Obama is for the Office.

In the News:

Okinawa voices: 'No more bases'

Oh I love this one. Every single American should band with the Japanese residents on this too. Look at it this way, we were upset when we had bases closing here on our home soil, but yet not a single on over seas was taken away, especially in Okinawa.

There should only be one U.S. base maybe 2 in the whole freaking territory of Japan. The local police should have jurisdiction or at least shared jurisdiction over crimes committed by US military. Why are we hated as United States, just look at our government, and the criminals in our military. US has nothing to be proud about, we are just as savage as any other person that believes there way is the only way and it is right.

I say give Okinawa back to the Japanese. They have suffered long enough for a war that happened long ago. They are our allies now, and I would say let the allies build a defense force, if anything it can only help strengthen the allies it belongs too, which happens to be the US.

In the news....

Suspects must assert right to silence

Contrary belief you do not have a right to remain silent, you have to speak up to be silent. This is just plain ignorance, stupidity, and new step to kill American Legal steps that actually do protect the innocent from being coherence into, things. The law is messed up anyways. If you say something you automatically waive your right is how I see it. It is free information you are giving.

The legal system here in the states is way to complicated, way to fragile, and filled with too many holes due to things like the above. A new law comes out every day that adds a loop hole, so it seems anyway.

In the News...

Obama vows justice if laws broken in oil spill

Yea just like his Aunt being deported, or kicked out of the country. That didn't happen. Oh he will fine them or what not, but in the end it will not be a victory because the amount fined will be like a $20 bill to the company.

Obama has no clue how to run the country, how to play the diplomat or how to be a person of government. How can he vow justice, justice is not his department it is the Judiciary Branches department. Obama should be impeached for being a moron.

Introductions to the Tiger *Dao*

If the dog is rage I must say there is another destructive force that is much worse. A human quality that is really dark and destructive. The tiger is a force of such destruction, and unpredictable. What could be worse than a person's rage, what can destroy the dog so easily, that the dog in order to not be destroyed works with the tiger.

The tiger is murderous intent. A human emotion to extinguish life. To destroy without remorse for it. Out of all the players of the human soul's darkness this is the one that would be hardest to tame. This one area of the human soul has such power of negative influence that it can power such positive energies that one drop of negative equates to a barrel of positive energy.

The tiger sits patiently, crouching and waiting for the next meal. Without any warning, it explodes into such a fierce run, within seconds the hunt is over and the meal complete. Murderous intent comes just like a tiger. The slow building of intent that is hardly noticeable is the crouching, then within seconds it bursts into full energy and before you know it the victim is done, but the tiger sees this as a meal or good dead, so no remorse is allowed for the victim.

Taming a tiger takes constant visual and emotional awareness for some. Others just bury it way down in their subconscious mind in attempt to be a better person. The fact of the matter is that when a person does this they carve out a piece of the complete being. This is what makes people snap and go postal. One of the things the dog attempts to do if not trained and filtered to take the negative and make the positive is to free the tiger.

The mischievous brothers if you can imagine it. One will try to free the other from control. At no time until complete control should both be released at the same time. They have the ability with such strong energy to cause a black out and take over during this time. By the time you come out of the blackout the deed has been done. They work very quickly together.

However these elements of a human being is essential to a complete harmony. When you release rage in order to counter balance one must release the opposite of rage too, and filter the energies of rage, into the opposite. Some thing with murderous intent. In order to counter balance the murderous intent, one must release the ability to keep life sacred.

The Dao teaches that there is yin and yang in everything, that there is push and pull in everything. While that is true the worst place of this occurring is if you live in the dead center, where there is equal forces pulling and pushing you.

Everything I have read about the Dao focuses on content, love of life, and well the light side of the yin, but if you drill further into the content it also states the if you have one then you have the other. Chapter 5 says heaven and earth are not like humans, because they are impartial. They live in complete harmony at the center. Life and death to them are the same, love and hate does not exist for them.

In chapter 10 it states by patience the animal spirits can be disciplined. By self-control one can unify the character. This means rage and murderous intent is included in a persons character, but with work it can be unified into a being that is complete. At no point has it said to abolish such characteristics of yourself.

The tiger and the dog are discussed by the great Dao general Sun Tzu. Though he cautions a person to control them, he invites one to embrace them too when need be. Take a human life if it is required, but try to win with the least amount of casualties. The tiger is tapped into but filtered through the protection of life as well.

Murderous intent without a leash and left alone becomes a destructive path, you may win the battles but at some point you will loose the war. That or have nothing at the end to govern. I think a true Daoist is either a very emotionless person with an abundant amount of emotions always tugging at them, or if I look at a sage of the Dao, a person who is in complete control over themselves, others, and everything around them.

I think it may be both. A person learning and striving to become a sage, is a person that seems emotionless, but in reality it is because they are taming their inner self and trying to calm the raging clashes of emotions inside. When they manage to fully calm down the waves of the sea going west and the sea going east, when the sea is calm where the two seas meet, that is the day a sage is born.

But that includes many years of work, many isolated times of reflection, meditation, and understanding of these energies. Pushing them through the martial arts in order to bring them into a physical representation to control. In other words, many nights alone, many days in practice, and many many conversations with others with interest in the Dao. Remember a teacher must also be a student.

What is my goal? I wish to become a sage. Where others strive for wealth, or greatness in a career, or social network. I strive for unity, a sea that allows me to understand everything, and return to nothing. A place where I can fully assist others in finding a path to travel. Actually that is my only concern in life and my only real desire is to teach and show people the door to a path, show that with dedication they can achieve a greater self.

In order to do that efficiently I must continue to follow the path myself. This provides little time for other things, but some time, a few moments here a few there. I can't wait till the two years is over. I can't wait to return to the mountains, to the place where I have a sneaking suspicion I will complete my training, where I can complete oneself. In two years I make a decision based on where my financial are at the time and either stay for an extra year or two, or leave and do what I have talked about and that is to turn my back on society so I can complete the first part of the path.

Many think that I have become a person that is wise and have a great intent on helping others. While that is the case and I appreciate the compliments on where I am on the path, it is no-where close to a sage. I need to buckle down, and work harder at my gi gong, my manifestations of the inner animals and taming, and I need to work on stilling my own waters. A teacher does not a sage make. Though I maybe further along than some I teach, a sage am I not. A sage is where I want to end up though. Takes many years though many many years of intense study, practice, and concentration. So that is where I will end up. When my murderous intent, and rage becomes a single but individual entity at the same time is when a sage will make.

Pathways *Dao*

The paths of life come in many forms and in many ways. Each path can be attributed with an element, each path as well has a goal. But the path of Dao is learning to walk each path at the same time, keeping the center where all paths joined a constant no matter the direction you walk in.

A drum here a flute there. A chime to come, and a keyboard to go. A song of life along the path of life. A computer has paths called a bus, a road is a path for cars, the brain works along it's neural paths.

Ever get to a point where the sense of the body just melt into the surroundings, where things are just things and not analyzed. Where nothing is there and everything is around. The simple seems to be less complicated, and the complicated forgotten. The path of Dao, the path of being.

Even in the martial arts everything follows a path, every deception has a tell, every movement has an energy or element behind it. If one practice the path of all elements at once then no individual element can penetrate you.

I long to know where I fit into the picture, but at the same time I know what the answer is. Long time ago I dreamed of being a sage, I have worked hard at the understanding of things, I have lived many treacherous choices in order to learn the darker side of choices made. I have formed an uncanny ability to think out several possibilities in a single second, I have obtained a wisdom from people older than I and yet, I still consider myself very far away.

Though my thoughts and teachings seem dark and far from Dao, it still comes into the circle. Instead of saying life on the yin or yang sides I say life on the line. Live understanding yin has yang and yang has yin. Like a married couple, but be in the center of both, do not take sides. That may not sound very Dao, but unlike many Daoists today, I understand many aspects of the old teachings differently. Where the Dao De Ching state that if one has honor they will have dishonor, tells me that if one focuses on the good side of things without the focus on the bad side of things they are not in harmony. They are delusional to say the least, they are also trying to fool themselves as to what harmony is.

They focus on one path that looks to be correct because that is what society tells them is correct. Sometimes the correct path is a very dark, lonely, and terrifying area to walk. The path to your natural self the one your meant to be, but few ever achieve is meant to be hard, meant to confuse at times, and to enlighten one. It is not the expulsion of the darkness within but the ability to combine both your dark side and light side together in a perfect blend.

Lately I have talked about the vicious dog inside that could bite the person if it is not let out and one learns to harness the dogs energy. Over the next couple weeks I will talk about another darker side of people one worse than the dog. The dog is rage if you were curious.

Upon a path in the forest you can come across many things that will harm you, from wild dogs, to snakes, to spiders, and including yourself if your not attentive. The key to getting through this is the following. Don't panic and carry a towel. Just joking about the towel. In the next couple of weeks I will introduce you to many things. The hardest part of it all, will be finding titles for the writings.

Well I hope that your pathways for your week and well life, goes according to your personal Dao and that you are content with the things you have, and that the beautiful natural paths you come across remain that way for as long as your remain in this form.

Reaction to Gravity *Dao*

The weight pulled at the monks shoulders making them slouch, making the back expend more energy. Reacting to the gravity like it was pulling him to the earth.

For every action there is a reaction, since every reaction is also an action, the cycle continues. Gravity comes in many flavors, some positive and some negative, reactions are the same way as well.

A reaction may not be what you expected, but careful that it is not misread. Some things in life are not what they seem, nor as simple as surface level read. Somethings in life have a deeper meaning and usually because the opposite reasons than the original idea from the read. Hide fear with a smile, hide anger with a joke. Sometimes the reverse is true too. Hide a smile with anger. It is natural to cover up such ideas depending on a situation or the gravity involved in it.

The reaction one gets may not be the one the expect on the surface, but it does not mean that the reaction they wanted to get isn't the reaction that is actually occurring. Reaction to a situation takes its toll on people though. Positive and negative reaction to a situation takes energy, plus takes a brief moment of control. That brief moment of loss of control is the only time the true reaction can show.

Atoms smash together to form a reaction of energy, solar panels, use UV rays to react by giving off energy. The human psyche reacts to a situation by using energy and which can lead to giving off an energy. Not sure why but the places I call home seem to give a reaction to people of a calm safe place, I find this reaction pretty cool.

So all in all it boils down to, gravity in life produces a reaction, the reaction can hide the true re-action as a secondary action occurs due to the endless cycle that action can cause. Relativity and Inertia plays in part even with human reaction.

Gravity of a Situation *Dao*

The monk walked upon the grounds of the Jade Cove, awaiting the master to show. The monk was concerned about the choices he made in life, in daily dealings, and in his career. The choices weighed down upon him, and he wished to talk to the master of such things.

The mast seemed to be running late today, as the monk continued to pace in the BaGua circle in order to meditate on the issues in his mind. He knew that circle walking was relaxing and improved the ability to meditate on issues, while giving the body needed exercise.

The mast slowly walked past the monk which was deep in thought and sat at the jade chair. He watched the monk intently, and realized that something was incorrect about his form. Putting the thought aside, he looked out over the grove and watched the birds and squirrels play in the yard.

The monk finally stopped and realized the energy of the master present, and went to sit down in front of him and waited for the master to acknowledge him. When the master did, he mentioned that the form was incorrect in the circle walk and something weighed him down, something was using up energy unnecessarily.

The monk stated that he was concerned on some of his choices even though the choices he had to choose from at the time was no choice at all. He was concerned that action vs. non-action at the time was incorrect.

Gravity of a situation, makes one second guess what has happened, gravity also brings us to such spots where a choice must be made without having decent choices to choose from. What makes you different than the squirrels and the birds, why are they able to overcome the gravity of a situation?

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I understand the master and at the same time gravity of a situation really does suck. The gravity of the situation of being single is fine with me in fact well preferred at times. This kind of thought makes it possible for me to one day turn my back on society fully. It is my inner drive at this point and my motivation.

At many points in my life I have hit the event horizons in situations where gravity has given no choice at all. Gravity gave me no choice but to go a path of wisdom vs. normal childhood. A gravitational time I now do not regret, but it was difficult and at times still is difficult to deal with. Since the choice was not fully understood, and naturally I was wise it ended up alienating me from people my own age as a kid. This same alienation makes me want to turn my back on society.

How can a human mind enjoy peace if it is always worried or focused on items in society. I have decided that although I would love to have my back tattoo, I am going to follow the Dao, although I would like a laptop, the Dao will be my choice. This being a choice provoked by gravity, but also not at the same time. The less you want the more content you become, the more content you become, the more you have.

The gravity of the situation. The weight of it. Why did I come up to Milwaukee for the job? In simple I have 1 bill left to pay off and I hate debt, that is the reason I eliminated all my debt except this one in two years. The car payment is the reason. Course if I put my mind to it I could probably pay it off quicker.

The gravity of the situation is that I need wheels at this time, at least until I turn my back on society. At least until everything has been prepared. I want to live in my own little version of the world, take care of the land, take care of the ancestry. Course I still have to talk to my grandmother about such things.

I would like to make sure the land and stuff stays in the family. Equally distributed among her children, with myself as a caretaker, and the land unable to be sold unless it is to a family member. As a care taker I would like to farm the land, live upon it, and well have the family come and go as they like. A spot where they can remember my grandmother and all the times they spent with her at the house.

That is a gravitational situation though. I know some of my family have my FB page and may not agree, but I think it would be a cool concept. The fact of my current gravitation situation though is to get things prepared so when I leave Milwaukee I leave with the following things completed.

I would like to fully own my car, I would like to have people I can remember as good friends, and I would like everything setup where when I leave it does not affect the lives of the people I leave behind, or the job at all.

I am not saying I am leaving tomorrow, course only time can tell when I do go. But I am certain that I will leave this state. Just like I was certain to leave Florida at some point. Course as I age I realize and crave the gravity of social abandonment.

I guess it was destined to be, during my childhood my best friend was my grandfather. He taught me many things and I absorbed all the words of wisdom he gave me. In childhood I was always found where ever my grandfather was. If anything I think no matter the paths I chose in life, it would have resulted in the Dao anyways. All due to the wisdom and selflessness my grandfather showed me in childhood.

Though I took wrong turns and realize that their is a dog caged up in me, I think this would be the best path scenario. I only owe 11 grand on the car, combined that with 8 grand that I can at anytime slap down on it, it makes the last debt very close at hand. I just have to give up some wants and I am sure I can save enough in a few months to fully pay it off. As for funiture and items I possess, well nothing changes there.

First and fare most the statues I own must go with me, second are my weapons, third are my books, everything else is trivial. Desk computer, furniture, ect, all trivial. In fact when the time comes I leave Milwaukee I am going to turn my back on Computers as a part of my life, with only the occasional entry from someone else computer. I think for me getting out of computer technology is a much needed concept to come true.

I am just waiting for the gravity of the situation to hit the event horizon at this time, which with an event horizon time and space tends to slow down, so it may take 2 or 3 years before that occurs. I just don't know at this point. Only point I do know is that eventually I am going to do as the Daoist ancestors did and go into seclusion.

Creation, Restructure and Travel *Dao*

Creation is a beautiful thing, when atoms form to create a larger entity, or creating an object by putting things together. As a destructive race when it comes to life, humanity builds many things, as a race. I have not built anything lately that has mass, but slowly I build the relations with people I knew and people I know. Though it has no mass it is still a very big creation.

I have started the restructuring too. The Change, the I ching, of my cycles. The Mt. Dew is being slowed up on, and soon maybe I will quit smoking again, but that bridge will occur once I feel the restructure can continue. The best thing about restructuring and finding a path in the forest again, is that there is no hurry or no push to do it. It is your own pace, you own drive that makes it happen.

Think I need a hobby after my caffeine levels go back down. Not sure what but would like to create stuff, something that shows me a skill that I will need when I retire from the world. Maybe I will get a knife and start experimenting with carving and framing. Make mini-houses out of wood from the woods. That might be something, I could carve and niche the wood from the porch too.

The natural order of things is to create, but when one restructures another thing the stability is much stronger. If you create a house with nails and glue, the strength of the natural item is solely dependent on those nails and glue, however if you restructure the items to fit in harmony together without such things the strength is more than that of creation.

A person that finds a religion, or decides to get their body in shape, goes through a restructuring transformation. They are not new, but in a way they are at the same time. Once you were given life you can not re-create yourself. You will always be you, but you can restructure yourself to be something more and slightly different. Just like the caterpillar transforms into a butterfly, if you look careful and remove the wings you still have the caterpillar.

Summer time is coming. I really should find out how much vacation time I have. I would like to go see my grandmother since she is doing better with her heart. I would like to see my cousins, and well pay my respects to the graves of my father and grandfather. The only thing is I would have to fly again, hope i have some dopamine hahah.

Plus I would have to not be at work for x amount of time, which is hard for me at any rate. Usually when I work my life revolves around the job, guess it was my grand parents and my fathers teachings that got me hat way. Raised in the old ways and now that I am older those ways are harder to release oneself from.

Like I said though, you can try to recreate yourself but something from the old you will always remain, and what you end up doing is restructuring the entity that was you. Restructure is always occurring even though people only pay attention to the big things.

The choices though that go with restructuring has prices both positive and negative, so weigh out the restructures well. For example, my Mt. Dew issue. The positive side is my body will feel better, the negative is that I will be extremely tired for weeks, and will have to fight the urge to drink it. Not to mention the headaches for a while.

The question is how much energy does caffeine block, how much Chi will be able to be released after my system clears it out, how much heat will I produce because of it. Long time ago before age set in, I used to be able to produce such heat to concentrate that a single touch felt like I was burning up with the flu, that heat could warm up another persons skin to cause redness with just 1 minute of touch. I would like that skill back, I would like that much chi force once again, but also the ability to control it too. Restructure the life style to increase the energy efficiency and I am sure the quality of life and the extension of life can be restructured as well.

Energy, Chi energy can be positive or negative, without extreme control a single touch can leave a person bruised, but in the same aspect controlled chi can heal a person. A simple touch in three places can render a person in pain, or can ease and heal an person. To help in this I have picked up a book on acupuncture. The points and elemental aspects those points represent will help me in both aspects. The points I already know as destructive, I will be able to heal after words. Chi or Reikei (sp?) can also be restructured, but not created. I don't think there is any recreation of Chi, but only the burning of Chi to restructure it to become more efficient, and more energetic. Which gives the illusion of creating more chi. Since less is needed you think you have more.

Funny a Daoist idea into Chi energy. The less you need the more you have. Well I suppose I don't need my tattoo and I would have more money, I want a laptop but I do not need it, so I would still have more money. Some things in life are not even swaps either, this is where the idea of less for more comes into play. If you do not want something, then you do not chance over paying a price of it's worth. Which in America is an everyday occurrence. If you spend money on a gym membership you are not getting the worth out of the payment. The best mechanism to exercise is free and you already possess it, your body and Chi.

The higher your Chi the more your energy burns calories, without all the wasteful non-chi energy it takes on a machine. Time to go. Work today so I will leave you with this little thought.

Creation is different than restructure, restructure can seem like creation, but when less is more then what has one really done, create or restructure?

The Journey...

Now to catch everyone up to the current place in the journey of my life. It is not a grand adventure, nor a exciting adventure, in fact my life is quite dull, quite boring, and well at times seems like life isn't even there, but it is my journey, the way that comes natural to me.

It has been about a month and a half since I moved to Milwaukee, Wi. The apartment is great, the weather is nice overall. Today I am cold but it is just another thing I will just have to get used to again. At least I am not burning up when I raise my Chi levels during my exercises.

Currently I have not been working out in the normal conventional means. I have not done push-up or benched weights, but maybe today I will. I have been lately practicing my Tai Chi, Sword meditation, and even practiced with my daggers, and axe on a nightly basis. I guess one of the few positive things about living up north, I can raise my Chi levels during exercises and breathing and not feel like I am in hell due to the inner fire.

The work week is currently 5 days a week 8 hours a day. You know personally I miss the 12 hour 3/4 work weeks. I am more exhausted working 5 days a week than working 3 or 4 at 12 hours. Plus only having 2 days off suuuuckkks. Sleep is the same, insomnia has kicked in, and when I do crash, it is a death sleep, dead to the world.

I have settle in I suppose but life here is just like life in Florida, only difference is the weather for me anyways. The people are nice, but I still have a problem being around people. I can't seem to bring myself to trust people will like me, or people will really want to know me, so like the crab I crawl into my shell for safety. Live in my own version of the world for sanity.

What happens though when your guard is let down, when your walls are not built and maintained for a day. Here is the rant part. You get pissed, upset, and well you want to guess some of the choices you made in the journey. My life has been in giving all I have to our customers, regardless if it was at Community Health Solutions, Comnet, or even with XXX. What happens in life when Politics, pressure and time all comes pounding at those walls that are not maintained.

I think I am on a verge of a break down really. I am 32, and well my life has not been at all colorful, or decent. Every step I took was a war, every little thing I have obtained has cost me something in return. My certification and training cost me a part of my humanity by not being there as a pole bearer for my father, my move cost me my safety lines in life, my insecurities about people cost the marriage. My desire for more has left me with little.

For each choice in life there is a payment, this is what I am realizing. To have something cost your something else. To obtain a peaceful part in life it seems that one has to become a mountain person, or a hermit, or a lost person to civilization.

Since being up here in Wisconsin I may have settled into my old routine with the exception of my proper diet, but it has also cost me. Down in Florida I had no stress since I found the Dao, very little anger or being upset. Life was just life, nothing grand nothing dull, just there. Since I moved, I am stressed, I have become pissed off twice now, and honestly it is getting freaking old dealing with a company that wants to piss around and fight for dominance with in departments.

I really hate my natural ability in computers, because no matter the place I have ended up in Corporate America the song and dance is the same. Good for a few years, and then politics start to tear at you. Quite honestly I saw myself a year ago retiring one day from XXX, but lately I would be surprised if I didn't walk after a year.

I don't like conflict and nothing is really worth aggression so I learned a long time ago to walk away from such disasters. One could say that there is a destiny, others can say it is not the destiny but the journey. Well I am only 32 and so far the destination has not made itself clear and the journey for the most part bites. Only a few moments in a persons life does it become clear that they were the most precious moments of life, but usually when you see this you have lost the things that made them so precious.

Loss apparently makes a person realize the gravity of a moment. Since I have lost many things lately and slowly loosing my sanity with this company, I am realizing the gravity of the moment. Maybe it is about time I do what many Doaist do in life at some point, and that is to disappear from the evil grasps of society. Do what I really want to do, survive or die. Go back home, build me a house by my own hands, raise a garden and my own food, and survive or die. At least the politics of Corporate America will not be able to touch me at that state.

At least the only pressure would be survival, the only pressure and only pressing issues would be what to do later in the day. I suppose at that point there will be no more writings on FB, or any updates, but at least there would be more time for important things, raising nature to become a food source. Meditating and exercising, and eventually maybe I would find a peaceful way to live. Right now there is anything but peace, when the company acts like kids and bicker and fight with one another for a power struggle that should not even exist. It should be about the customer, and the end results not how you get there, or that there is a one more little step along the way.

Tell you the truth, I may not last at this company, not because of my aptitude, not because I am not a hard worker, but because of my own choice to leave political crap behind. I would not feel bad though. There are a couple people on my shift that can easily take the network that I am on and proficiently perform what is needed. So I would not feel bad if I did go. I know in the end these people would do their best to take care of the end customer.

The journey so far overall. Boring and frustrating. Wouldn't farming be boring? Not really if you look at it. Your body is busy, your mind can go into a empty state and the results are still the same. Weeding crops takes no mental stamina, but is good for the body, and if one should want to think they can think of things bigger to the meaning of life, than in Corporate America. Where the only thought is how to make money and everyone miserable.

One day I will make that call, and I will pack my car up with what fits and leave. Course that may be two or even five years down the road, or sooner it all depends on my sanity levels and the way I am treated here. In all honesty Wisconsin is not a bad place overall, but no place is bad overall with my lifestyle. I had from the outside world and just want to be in a peaceful state.

Through out my youth, I was all about being around people, going here and there, and causing chaos or going to parties. I am slowly realizing I am way too old to go to clubs, bars, etc. This weekend I went to the club, and meditated for several hours while listening to the rhythm of the music to assist in the meditation. Then when I came home I did my exercises with the swords, axe, and daggers. I realize that I need more practice with the heavenly sword style, but then again I need a shorter sword for the off hand instead of using a reverse blade and a katana.

These are the things that sooth me. Clubs, bars, even shooting pool seems to not sooth me. I am starting to realize the Dao is changing me, the I ching of life and the Dao are tied together. Things I used to like are pointless now, and things I used to hate, like just sitting still, or rocking back and forth seem to be relaxing and bring harmony within me.

So in short the journey is: Wisconsin is alright, work sucks and is starting to really piss me off, and life in daily dealings is starting to push me further and further away from dealing with people. Not like I have any problems talking with people on a one on one basis but going out into public I still have a big problem with it.

The Sky That Never Goes Black *Poet Dao*

The sky is on the edge of existence, seeming so close you can touch it but always out of reach. Seems like life lately resembles the sky. A sky that is cloudy with white fluffy clouds seems to bring many people happiness while the sun beats down and warms their body. A graceful time that many take for granted, like life a great graceful entity of daily existence, but never really thought about.

Currently it is night time, and like so many things taken away from me in my life, I miss the pitch dark sky the most. The serene feeling of being the small significant being alone in the world. Times used to think of my life, times to think of how to do good for others, and time to think of those I lost and love them even more. All taken due to a move, due to a career, due to greed.

The black rose of night with tiny diamonds flashing on the petals. Many see daytime as being a beautiful day, but the ways I could describe the pitch black night. The blank canvas with a mystical moon on the horizon looking down like a lovely lady craving for attention. The winking of a star to let you know that your noticed, such a way that a lady winks across the darkened bar.

The cool wind blows to sooth your inner fire, the fire burning the edges of the darken seductress. The slight movement of the night life makes your heart race from the mystery like a ladies passion on the first meeting. The fact that you watch the earth in darkness and yet for some reason it feels like you protect those that sleep. A night walker in every sense of the word and then in some that others can not fathom.

The passion of the dark night, the mystery, the seduction, the caress, and the serenity have disappeared from my life at this time. I go to smoke and I see a sky that never gets totally dark. Always a light in the sky, clouds seen with a strange tint, with a evil cruelty my life sees the darkness as a place to retreat to for happiness. Now that I go outside to enjoy such things I see the light, and the sky that never goes black.

Things most take for granted, is all that I have in life, and yet some of the simple things like a sky that is completely black I have lost as well. The night sky is a mistress, feminine and lovely. The daylight sky is masculine and harsh.

Bob Segar - Turn the Page.... Yea only a few know what that means. My brothers, and possibly my ex-wife. It is good to remember though even though it becomes sad. Just like him, I have had the black sky ripped from me.

People ask if I am happy up here, how can I answer that truthfully? Truth is I don't know what love really is, not like other people. My love is different, my love is painful, and my love spans time.I think I have made love painful to force myself to feel something toward the women of my life. Being with them just was not enough to spawn a lasting emotional effect. To love and lost make you remember daily the good feelings, but also brings on the feelings of lost, regret, and the pain in the heart. You know you love someone when you go through heartbreak daily. I guess I am different from many people. They would want to hold on to a loved one.

I thrive in the opposite world of normality. Heartache, depression, regret are daily experience for me, but I also use them as fuel to do my other things in life, like staying on the path, doing right to others. Am I happy, truth is I have never known happiness so I would have to say no. I can't define the word, I can not do it justice by attempting to, they say that negative emotions has a lasting effect on a person and the positive is just a glimpse of a moment and soon forgotten.

So if a moment does not last like happiness, how is one truly to understand it? No I am not happy here, but I am not unhappy here either. It is and that is about all it is. You just have not gotten out and experienced the city. Truth is, that really is not me, I will get out once and a while, but if I can not define happiness how will I know what it is when I find it? It is as elusive as my sky that does not ever seem to go black anymore.

I really miss her, my black rose, my mistress of the night. I loved to sing to her, and to hear the whispers of the night that only come when the darkness encompasses everything. When the earth seems to stand still and existence seems to dissolve away like smoke in a breeze. The whispers of those thoughts in peoples dreams. The non-pushed emotions of the night, the natural caress of a mother to a child, the blacken sky of nature. The black sky is like a sea of endless possibilities, where one can dream, think, or sing without any guards up.

Seems to be easy to find a person in the world of billions, however how do you find one that likes what you like, that is as unique but similar in a way that benefits both? A woman of the night, a woman of the blacken sky. A person that enjoys the gray days, and the rain more than the sun and the clear light of the ball of fire. My mistress of the night my Sky has been that for so long.

With so much turmoil in life right now, I was hoping to be comforted by her. Now I lost my serenity of a Sea of Serenity, a Malevolent Mistress of darkness, a beautiful seductress, and a life long friend, due to a sky that never turns black.

In Memory of .... *Unsure Dao*

Amazing the things we forget, by choice, or by coincidence. It just shows our current limited capacity. Our frailty and the lack of overcoming due to religious fanatics. I have forgotten faces of people I once new, back when I was a child, and when I was in high school. A single year and I will loose more knowledge than I ever obtained. Memories of people replaced with something else something current in day to day life.

Watching the Gundam Seed series, an anime I like. They had some people called coordinators. A genetically enhanced human being, done so at birth. The gene's of the human make-up chosen and picked to give increased strength, increased intelligence, a longer life span, etc.

If genetic engineering was fully looked at from a logical perspective, it could really become a great thing for humanity. If your a religious fanatic it look at it this way, in the bible it said humanity lived hundreds of years, what if genetic engineering could bring that back, you could worship your supreme being longer and show your devotion in more than a blink of an eye.

I would be able to remember things and do things better, in fact I am sure that genetically engineered me would not be bored, as I can come to the state of mind that boredom is a genetic marker. How do I figure, well something in me will not allow me to keep it away, and I have tried many many things.

Imagine a society that is not wrecked with disease, or a society in the need of current medical needs, a race who can withstand cold temperatures, breathe radioactive air, or withstand extreme heat. Genetics is a blessing but is being hampered by those without open minds, minds closed in on a religious aspect that genetic engineering is playing god.

I used to be good at math, you remember don't you. I could take a complex problem and solve it quickly. Keyword in that sentence being used to. What if your son or daughter were genetically engineered, what kind of mental capacity would they be capable of, think about it a 2 year old doing algebra, or chemistry, unfortunately, these rare genetic specimens come from natural orientation once in a great while, and we call them genius, or enlightened, or sages. Depending on where their genetic enhancements fall, and which marker was tapped by the natural occurrence.

We could genetically engineer a place where all living things strive to help each other instead of harm one another. Imagine a place where crime does not exist, or at least to a very small amount of today's society. Serial killers do not exist, stress is handled correctly, and life in general can exist for more years than it does currently.

Life happens in a flash when your at the end, some say I wish I could do more, or have done more, what if you lived to be 200 years old. 100years would be your thirties or forties. Wouldn't you be more apt to do good in your life span if you knew you had the time to start a project, and know you have the enhanced intelligence to complete the work.

I have forgotten so much in my life, I thought it was all just recently that it occurred, however I have slowly been forgetting things as the years progressed. People, places, events and it does not look like it would stop any time soon. At times I wish I was genetically engineered, what harm would it have done, what kind of life would I have had if many things were changed in my genetic makeup. Yes I would not be the current me, but the possibility of being more than what I am is so much more exciting to me.

46 chromosomes in our DNA, and in viruses there is the RNA. What if we could activate or cross the stands to where we could defeat, or destruct an RNA directly through our DNA. Virus's would be wiped out. Take a virus for example, some mutate or alter our own DNA in order to spread and kill us. Why couldn't we take that same philosophy and attack the virus. If a marker in our body was tapped and enhanced, it could become a sentinel against a virus. Dormant and inactive, until the body detected the virus, in which case the sentinel would wake up. Think of it as a white blood cell that has been working out in the white blood gym, with specific instructions to infiltrate the RNA code and change it into a harmless after fact. Another way is to reprogram the virus into an antiviral coded RNA strand that only targets and destroys the viral code.

Take memory for example, we only use a small amount of our minds, that small part is split into other areas, how much is used for memory. To put it into computer terms, I think we have a terabyte of space but only use a bit of it. Oh I made a funny. hahah Computer puns are dry but us computer people get a kick out of them.

Imaging a genetic marker of intelligence being tapped and mental capacity, how much would we be able to tap into then. The thing that saddens me though is with this thought it would expand humanity in numbers, a limiter on population really should be invoked. Humans need to learn to control their own urges, and the spreading like virus that they do. Great thing is genetically I think this can be done, I think the urge to procreate can be slowed down to a level where one can manage it easier. Either procreate or not it is up to them, more than urge. Plus procreation in this new genetically engineered world would be regulated. To have a child by natural selection or by engineering them would require a license or supervision. At least until we can find a new world to populate as well.

Course half of what I say makes sense and the other makes the faithful terrified due to religious ideas that their pastors, preachers, and holy leaders put in their heads. But here is a cold fact, abortion may be killing a life (or one could say sacrifice), but in the old testament of the bible, the people that were sacrificed and killed was a fully born person into the world. Sacrifice is what religious people call murder they perform, and they call it murder when it does not suit their agenda.

A person that knows that a being brought into this world can not be taken care of by them, or does not want to bring a life into this atrocious world should not be condemned, but respected because they chose it, and they had the freedom of it. Besides it is one less mouth to feed, one less person destroying the world, and one less possible psycho on the loose. Don't get me wrong, course you don't want to hear that, but if the birth of a person took food from your mouth and you starved, now you would have a different view of the situation wouldn't you?

What if we could genetically engineer a person to live on a fraction of the food we use today. Everyone today is about conservation and green this, green that. Why not the human body being green. Instead of food why not survive on a fraction of the food, and mostly on water vapor, and such. All things grown and created come from the same place. We could develop a better human energy source, and quite possibly remove all those little nuances that people have difficulty living with.

Anxiety, Distrust, Deceit, inability to be in a social surrounding, heart ache, ill logical choices, and how about stress. What if we could do away with all that? Now I know what your thinking, we would be robots without free will, or the ability to learn from our mistakes.

Learning is math, and 1+1 is 2, who cares if we did not learn it from getting the problem wrong so many times that we learned it. If we learned it earlier we could have progressed quicker. Free will still exists but some of the limiters, and undesirables are removed from the human profile. War or the war mentality is re-written to put forth the ideas into building instead of destroying.

No war truly built anything, only thing that a war does is destroy. I know the title of this entry says memory of, but like the article states I forgot what it was supposed to be like, one of those nuances I was talking about.

Later

Silky Images in the Night *Dao*

After a week long endurance test of staying awake the monk finally started to see things, hallucinations some would say, others would say enlightenment occurs. The monk was just happy to see things differently for a time. The woods, the stone, the sky all seemed to have a different color, a different image.

And yet the monks heart was still the same, the same sorrow, the same hope, the same as it was in the city. Confused, relieved, blessed and cursed feelings all mingled together in a dance that is both sad and happy at the same time.

The monk barely eats, barely sleeps, and yet seems to function and continue to fight on in daily activities. Driving his body into the ground, wondering when it will give out, wondering if it ever will just crumple into a pile of fleshy ooze. On the verge of loosing his mind, and yet at the same time encompassing some of the best images his eyes have seen of this world.

Last night on the verge of insomnia I saw above the building to the south the sky ripple in the light that does not fade from the edge of the sky. I am not sure why there is light all night to the south, maybe it is a shopping complex or something, but it is a soft glow, I want to believe it is the sun, though the logical mind says that it isn't. The sky looked purple in color but darker, the clouds made a rippling effect across the sky toward me. What a wonderful sight. I was in awe seeing this beautiful sight, and yet I thought of them, both of them.

What was she doing, was she and her son happy? What was the other doing on this night, would they see what I saw on this night? I have lost them both, lost them to the world, and instead of trusting the world, I shun away from it. I run to the Cove built in my own mind. Some due to fear, some to not get hurt again, and other reasons such as living in a world that will permit me to wear my heart on my sleeve without having a thief puncture it with the blade of deceit.

Morning finally hit and the stones that look usually pretty normal seemed to have a vibrant new color to them. The lack of sleep was getting to me. Colors seemed to fade and re-energize into a sharper color.

This day 12 hours of sleep was performed. Tired battered and feeling out of energy I sat and watched my anime. After that some Tai Chi. Something the Tai Chi did for me today was to bring the fuel back. However, it is at a cost. The time to sleep is now and wide awake I sit. Still I think of the image of the silk clouds last night.

How do I like this city? I don't think I will experience it like other people will. I don't think I will get out much. I feel the same way I did in Jacksonville really. I think I feel safer being by myself, in my walls, and I feel safer in my own meditations than going out and living like other people.

The other night I tried to relate my life to an animal, and the best animal I am afraid that I came up with was a Recluse spider. It comes out at night, it lives it's life very reclusive and I have a feeling the spider feels alone even if there is a group of them.

Humanity is the largest in number of animals on the earth, and yet being part of this number I feel very alone. Partly due to the fact that I am not sure anyone truly understands me, even what I say in my writings can someone truly understand who I am? Can I truly understand another person, even if they are called friend, or family, or in the past my love? Did I ever really understand her, know her, try to be there for her?

People see me as a good person those that know a little about me? They do not understand how I came to this point, understand the paths I took to be this type of person. The path to light, generally involves many paths of darkness in order to become light. The path to darkness starts in the light. Yet I see myself not in light, not in darkness but in shadows of both.

To step forward one leg must remain in the back. To step back one leg is always left forward. Steps taken to move forward seem like it is steps back lately. I decided to keep my job and move to a new state, yet it feels like I have taken steps back in the career. I still dislike computers, I am still bored with them and networking, but it provides a roof over my head, and it still allows me to live. Yet sometimes I think life in the wild would be better off for me. A life with no one around, no emotions that were not my own to seep into me.

I used to think that my life was accomplished. I had a wife, a son, two cars, a house and a life that was spent trying to take care of a family structure. I thought my father would be proud of that, and that I had the dream. That is what I used to think. Looking back it was all just material crap. The woman I love used me, the son I loved has probably forgotten me, the house was sold, the family structure broken to pieces and yet I have nothing to show for the 8 years of my life I accomplished this in.

I guess the humbled person I have become as a result is something to show for it, still I have no idea what an accomplishment is anymore. I have no direction to go in, nothing to work for. I got my CCNA in order to take care of Jessica, yet without the drive of taking care of another I have no passion for anything. I have thought about getting an Internet bride from China, but the fact remains that stops that from happening.

I am a terrible person, horrible husband, and bad father. At least that is what I am told from the past. While I must say I don't believe in it all, there is part truth to what the past says. I now see silky skies, vibrant stone, and though I still prefer a life alone I can at least open my eyes to other things.

I try to be nice to people, not because I am righteous but because I have done so much in my past to others that was not right. I guess I do it out of looking for forgiveness. I am perhaps the hardest person to earn forgiveness from, including forgiving myself.

I was not there at the fathers funeral, which although I aced my test I still have not forgiven myself for missing it. I was reclusive with my wife, and still I can not forgive myself for that. I can forgive others quicker than I can forgive myself. How am I to be Dao if I can not forgive myself for the things I have done?

Dao states to loose the ego, loose your pride, and to be like water. I have lost all that and I try to be like water, harming none and helping all. How does water forgive itself though? How can one become like a silky sky, or a vibrant color in the stone. How can I leave the past and step into the present? How can I take a step forward and it actually feel like a step forward?

I have a career and who knows how long that will last. One thing my marriage taught me is that things that are now, may not be later? Hence the reason I horde my money? Save something for a rainy day is what I was taught. Yet even hording my money I still find chances to spend some on my friends, and yet the more I do that the easier my monetary issues become.

I have already told my nephew that if anything is left of my finances after I pass he will get it all. I love my nephew, my brothers and sister-in-laws, yet I have chosen to leave them in search of a job that may end any day. To search for a girl friend that may not exist, to seek change which may be too difficult for me to allow.

Since I was young I did everything I could think of to end life. Every time I did it ended up the same way, with light from the sun hitting my face again. I would walk in the middle of the street, jump in front of cars, take sleeping pills in excess, and even slicing the wrists. Guess there was a reason for me on this earth, and while I study the Dao now, I still do not know what my purpose on this earth is, but I do know that wishing and praying for the sleep that never ends is a waste of time, I still will not be sad the day it occurs. I may have done some horrible things to people in my past, but I have done some great things in my present.

Josh my brother, I hope he continues passing the things I taught him to those in need. When we met he was on a dangerous spiral into the rings of hell. I am not sure how I was able to pick him up and have him stand on his feet, I am not sure how I do anything these days. When the time comes I know that I am not myself. I age drastically, I talk in riddles, and I share what life is meant to be. I really miss my brother Josh. Even though he may not be blood, he is my brother.

We shared a hard life, our hearts ripped out by a bad relationship, and even confusion on how to better our lives. He is my brother in many things. I am proud of my brother too, he has taken what he learned from me, and shared it with others and in turned learned more by sharing it.

A sage is not a sage because he knows, but because what he shares with others, is also a learning lesson. A sage is not only a teacher but a student at the same time.

I have to ask myself at times, in childhood where I was, how did I get to where I am in life? Do you remember what changed your life? When your life changed? Who changed your life?

The town was Jacksonville, Florida, and I was 15 or 16. I was living with my brother and sister in a place called London Towne. They were apartments. My brother and I just got into a fight, I am not sure what it was about, or why. After that fight for some reason I went to go for a walk and did not end up that far. I sat on the steps of the middle hall. Tears in my eyes, not liking what my family does all the time. Fight and argue, throw punches and then hold grudges. That day I decided to change who I was. Though it took many many years and many slip ups before I could change that was the day I decided I wanted more.

That happened to be the same day I found my first teacher. He was old, and spoke words I could not understand without hurting my own brain. He was confusing to a person coming from where I was coming from. This sage was only a start to the path, and even though he was long dead, I believe my first teacher was Confucius. He taught me more about honor and how to lead a life accordingly than anyone else.

Many years later I found the teacher again, and although it was easier to understand I found that I wanted more, and so Lord Lao Tzu came into play. He taught me to let go of honor and just do right. I found not to look for the right thing to do in religion, since the rules are rigid there is no room to flow like water. Not that religion is bad and those that believe in something regardless of name, or idea, at least they have a path laid out before them.

Being lost for so long I can greatly appreciate the fact that many have decided to walk a path of religion. However I like to look beyond, I guess it is my own curiosity, my own logic and my drive of finding truth on my own that I can not go back to religion. I think one of the most basic principles that keep me from this is the idea of a supreme good trying to put an end to the supreme evil. I think that without one you can not have the other. Even witchcraft has it's own evil, and it's own good. But never a true balance and merger of the two in harmony.

Still a silky sky comes and flows over the earth, covering it like a blanket in a mothers arms wrapping a child from the coldness of space. I am not sure where to go, what to do, or who to be around anymore. My support line was cut, and if I fall this time, there may not be any getting back up. This is how I feel lately. I have doubts about the move, I have doubts about going forward, since it fells like I am walking backwards at times. But life is one big circle, and sometimes even those of us that feel like we are going backwards, all we have to do is wait and the circle will take us forward again.

Well that is probably too much writing for tonight, and that is a great sentence to end upon. So goodnight everyone.