The Journey...

Now to catch everyone up to the current place in the journey of my life. It is not a grand adventure, nor a exciting adventure, in fact my life is quite dull, quite boring, and well at times seems like life isn't even there, but it is my journey, the way that comes natural to me.

It has been about a month and a half since I moved to Milwaukee, Wi. The apartment is great, the weather is nice overall. Today I am cold but it is just another thing I will just have to get used to again. At least I am not burning up when I raise my Chi levels during my exercises.

Currently I have not been working out in the normal conventional means. I have not done push-up or benched weights, but maybe today I will. I have been lately practicing my Tai Chi, Sword meditation, and even practiced with my daggers, and axe on a nightly basis. I guess one of the few positive things about living up north, I can raise my Chi levels during exercises and breathing and not feel like I am in hell due to the inner fire.

The work week is currently 5 days a week 8 hours a day. You know personally I miss the 12 hour 3/4 work weeks. I am more exhausted working 5 days a week than working 3 or 4 at 12 hours. Plus only having 2 days off suuuuckkks. Sleep is the same, insomnia has kicked in, and when I do crash, it is a death sleep, dead to the world.

I have settle in I suppose but life here is just like life in Florida, only difference is the weather for me anyways. The people are nice, but I still have a problem being around people. I can't seem to bring myself to trust people will like me, or people will really want to know me, so like the crab I crawl into my shell for safety. Live in my own version of the world for sanity.

What happens though when your guard is let down, when your walls are not built and maintained for a day. Here is the rant part. You get pissed, upset, and well you want to guess some of the choices you made in the journey. My life has been in giving all I have to our customers, regardless if it was at Community Health Solutions, Comnet, or even with XXX. What happens in life when Politics, pressure and time all comes pounding at those walls that are not maintained.

I think I am on a verge of a break down really. I am 32, and well my life has not been at all colorful, or decent. Every step I took was a war, every little thing I have obtained has cost me something in return. My certification and training cost me a part of my humanity by not being there as a pole bearer for my father, my move cost me my safety lines in life, my insecurities about people cost the marriage. My desire for more has left me with little.

For each choice in life there is a payment, this is what I am realizing. To have something cost your something else. To obtain a peaceful part in life it seems that one has to become a mountain person, or a hermit, or a lost person to civilization.

Since being up here in Wisconsin I may have settled into my old routine with the exception of my proper diet, but it has also cost me. Down in Florida I had no stress since I found the Dao, very little anger or being upset. Life was just life, nothing grand nothing dull, just there. Since I moved, I am stressed, I have become pissed off twice now, and honestly it is getting freaking old dealing with a company that wants to piss around and fight for dominance with in departments.

I really hate my natural ability in computers, because no matter the place I have ended up in Corporate America the song and dance is the same. Good for a few years, and then politics start to tear at you. Quite honestly I saw myself a year ago retiring one day from XXX, but lately I would be surprised if I didn't walk after a year.

I don't like conflict and nothing is really worth aggression so I learned a long time ago to walk away from such disasters. One could say that there is a destiny, others can say it is not the destiny but the journey. Well I am only 32 and so far the destination has not made itself clear and the journey for the most part bites. Only a few moments in a persons life does it become clear that they were the most precious moments of life, but usually when you see this you have lost the things that made them so precious.

Loss apparently makes a person realize the gravity of a moment. Since I have lost many things lately and slowly loosing my sanity with this company, I am realizing the gravity of the moment. Maybe it is about time I do what many Doaist do in life at some point, and that is to disappear from the evil grasps of society. Do what I really want to do, survive or die. Go back home, build me a house by my own hands, raise a garden and my own food, and survive or die. At least the politics of Corporate America will not be able to touch me at that state.

At least the only pressure would be survival, the only pressure and only pressing issues would be what to do later in the day. I suppose at that point there will be no more writings on FB, or any updates, but at least there would be more time for important things, raising nature to become a food source. Meditating and exercising, and eventually maybe I would find a peaceful way to live. Right now there is anything but peace, when the company acts like kids and bicker and fight with one another for a power struggle that should not even exist. It should be about the customer, and the end results not how you get there, or that there is a one more little step along the way.

Tell you the truth, I may not last at this company, not because of my aptitude, not because I am not a hard worker, but because of my own choice to leave political crap behind. I would not feel bad though. There are a couple people on my shift that can easily take the network that I am on and proficiently perform what is needed. So I would not feel bad if I did go. I know in the end these people would do their best to take care of the end customer.

The journey so far overall. Boring and frustrating. Wouldn't farming be boring? Not really if you look at it. Your body is busy, your mind can go into a empty state and the results are still the same. Weeding crops takes no mental stamina, but is good for the body, and if one should want to think they can think of things bigger to the meaning of life, than in Corporate America. Where the only thought is how to make money and everyone miserable.

One day I will make that call, and I will pack my car up with what fits and leave. Course that may be two or even five years down the road, or sooner it all depends on my sanity levels and the way I am treated here. In all honesty Wisconsin is not a bad place overall, but no place is bad overall with my lifestyle. I had from the outside world and just want to be in a peaceful state.

Through out my youth, I was all about being around people, going here and there, and causing chaos or going to parties. I am slowly realizing I am way too old to go to clubs, bars, etc. This weekend I went to the club, and meditated for several hours while listening to the rhythm of the music to assist in the meditation. Then when I came home I did my exercises with the swords, axe, and daggers. I realize that I need more practice with the heavenly sword style, but then again I need a shorter sword for the off hand instead of using a reverse blade and a katana.

These are the things that sooth me. Clubs, bars, even shooting pool seems to not sooth me. I am starting to realize the Dao is changing me, the I ching of life and the Dao are tied together. Things I used to like are pointless now, and things I used to hate, like just sitting still, or rocking back and forth seem to be relaxing and bring harmony within me.

So in short the journey is: Wisconsin is alright, work sucks and is starting to really piss me off, and life in daily dealings is starting to push me further and further away from dealing with people. Not like I have any problems talking with people on a one on one basis but going out into public I still have a big problem with it.