Silky Images in the Night *Dao*

After a week long endurance test of staying awake the monk finally started to see things, hallucinations some would say, others would say enlightenment occurs. The monk was just happy to see things differently for a time. The woods, the stone, the sky all seemed to have a different color, a different image.

And yet the monks heart was still the same, the same sorrow, the same hope, the same as it was in the city. Confused, relieved, blessed and cursed feelings all mingled together in a dance that is both sad and happy at the same time.

The monk barely eats, barely sleeps, and yet seems to function and continue to fight on in daily activities. Driving his body into the ground, wondering when it will give out, wondering if it ever will just crumple into a pile of fleshy ooze. On the verge of loosing his mind, and yet at the same time encompassing some of the best images his eyes have seen of this world.

Last night on the verge of insomnia I saw above the building to the south the sky ripple in the light that does not fade from the edge of the sky. I am not sure why there is light all night to the south, maybe it is a shopping complex or something, but it is a soft glow, I want to believe it is the sun, though the logical mind says that it isn't. The sky looked purple in color but darker, the clouds made a rippling effect across the sky toward me. What a wonderful sight. I was in awe seeing this beautiful sight, and yet I thought of them, both of them.

What was she doing, was she and her son happy? What was the other doing on this night, would they see what I saw on this night? I have lost them both, lost them to the world, and instead of trusting the world, I shun away from it. I run to the Cove built in my own mind. Some due to fear, some to not get hurt again, and other reasons such as living in a world that will permit me to wear my heart on my sleeve without having a thief puncture it with the blade of deceit.

Morning finally hit and the stones that look usually pretty normal seemed to have a vibrant new color to them. The lack of sleep was getting to me. Colors seemed to fade and re-energize into a sharper color.

This day 12 hours of sleep was performed. Tired battered and feeling out of energy I sat and watched my anime. After that some Tai Chi. Something the Tai Chi did for me today was to bring the fuel back. However, it is at a cost. The time to sleep is now and wide awake I sit. Still I think of the image of the silk clouds last night.

How do I like this city? I don't think I will experience it like other people will. I don't think I will get out much. I feel the same way I did in Jacksonville really. I think I feel safer being by myself, in my walls, and I feel safer in my own meditations than going out and living like other people.

The other night I tried to relate my life to an animal, and the best animal I am afraid that I came up with was a Recluse spider. It comes out at night, it lives it's life very reclusive and I have a feeling the spider feels alone even if there is a group of them.

Humanity is the largest in number of animals on the earth, and yet being part of this number I feel very alone. Partly due to the fact that I am not sure anyone truly understands me, even what I say in my writings can someone truly understand who I am? Can I truly understand another person, even if they are called friend, or family, or in the past my love? Did I ever really understand her, know her, try to be there for her?

People see me as a good person those that know a little about me? They do not understand how I came to this point, understand the paths I took to be this type of person. The path to light, generally involves many paths of darkness in order to become light. The path to darkness starts in the light. Yet I see myself not in light, not in darkness but in shadows of both.

To step forward one leg must remain in the back. To step back one leg is always left forward. Steps taken to move forward seem like it is steps back lately. I decided to keep my job and move to a new state, yet it feels like I have taken steps back in the career. I still dislike computers, I am still bored with them and networking, but it provides a roof over my head, and it still allows me to live. Yet sometimes I think life in the wild would be better off for me. A life with no one around, no emotions that were not my own to seep into me.

I used to think that my life was accomplished. I had a wife, a son, two cars, a house and a life that was spent trying to take care of a family structure. I thought my father would be proud of that, and that I had the dream. That is what I used to think. Looking back it was all just material crap. The woman I love used me, the son I loved has probably forgotten me, the house was sold, the family structure broken to pieces and yet I have nothing to show for the 8 years of my life I accomplished this in.

I guess the humbled person I have become as a result is something to show for it, still I have no idea what an accomplishment is anymore. I have no direction to go in, nothing to work for. I got my CCNA in order to take care of Jessica, yet without the drive of taking care of another I have no passion for anything. I have thought about getting an Internet bride from China, but the fact remains that stops that from happening.

I am a terrible person, horrible husband, and bad father. At least that is what I am told from the past. While I must say I don't believe in it all, there is part truth to what the past says. I now see silky skies, vibrant stone, and though I still prefer a life alone I can at least open my eyes to other things.

I try to be nice to people, not because I am righteous but because I have done so much in my past to others that was not right. I guess I do it out of looking for forgiveness. I am perhaps the hardest person to earn forgiveness from, including forgiving myself.

I was not there at the fathers funeral, which although I aced my test I still have not forgiven myself for missing it. I was reclusive with my wife, and still I can not forgive myself for that. I can forgive others quicker than I can forgive myself. How am I to be Dao if I can not forgive myself for the things I have done?

Dao states to loose the ego, loose your pride, and to be like water. I have lost all that and I try to be like water, harming none and helping all. How does water forgive itself though? How can one become like a silky sky, or a vibrant color in the stone. How can I leave the past and step into the present? How can I take a step forward and it actually feel like a step forward?

I have a career and who knows how long that will last. One thing my marriage taught me is that things that are now, may not be later? Hence the reason I horde my money? Save something for a rainy day is what I was taught. Yet even hording my money I still find chances to spend some on my friends, and yet the more I do that the easier my monetary issues become.

I have already told my nephew that if anything is left of my finances after I pass he will get it all. I love my nephew, my brothers and sister-in-laws, yet I have chosen to leave them in search of a job that may end any day. To search for a girl friend that may not exist, to seek change which may be too difficult for me to allow.

Since I was young I did everything I could think of to end life. Every time I did it ended up the same way, with light from the sun hitting my face again. I would walk in the middle of the street, jump in front of cars, take sleeping pills in excess, and even slicing the wrists. Guess there was a reason for me on this earth, and while I study the Dao now, I still do not know what my purpose on this earth is, but I do know that wishing and praying for the sleep that never ends is a waste of time, I still will not be sad the day it occurs. I may have done some horrible things to people in my past, but I have done some great things in my present.

Josh my brother, I hope he continues passing the things I taught him to those in need. When we met he was on a dangerous spiral into the rings of hell. I am not sure how I was able to pick him up and have him stand on his feet, I am not sure how I do anything these days. When the time comes I know that I am not myself. I age drastically, I talk in riddles, and I share what life is meant to be. I really miss my brother Josh. Even though he may not be blood, he is my brother.

We shared a hard life, our hearts ripped out by a bad relationship, and even confusion on how to better our lives. He is my brother in many things. I am proud of my brother too, he has taken what he learned from me, and shared it with others and in turned learned more by sharing it.

A sage is not a sage because he knows, but because what he shares with others, is also a learning lesson. A sage is not only a teacher but a student at the same time.

I have to ask myself at times, in childhood where I was, how did I get to where I am in life? Do you remember what changed your life? When your life changed? Who changed your life?

The town was Jacksonville, Florida, and I was 15 or 16. I was living with my brother and sister in a place called London Towne. They were apartments. My brother and I just got into a fight, I am not sure what it was about, or why. After that fight for some reason I went to go for a walk and did not end up that far. I sat on the steps of the middle hall. Tears in my eyes, not liking what my family does all the time. Fight and argue, throw punches and then hold grudges. That day I decided to change who I was. Though it took many many years and many slip ups before I could change that was the day I decided I wanted more.

That happened to be the same day I found my first teacher. He was old, and spoke words I could not understand without hurting my own brain. He was confusing to a person coming from where I was coming from. This sage was only a start to the path, and even though he was long dead, I believe my first teacher was Confucius. He taught me more about honor and how to lead a life accordingly than anyone else.

Many years later I found the teacher again, and although it was easier to understand I found that I wanted more, and so Lord Lao Tzu came into play. He taught me to let go of honor and just do right. I found not to look for the right thing to do in religion, since the rules are rigid there is no room to flow like water. Not that religion is bad and those that believe in something regardless of name, or idea, at least they have a path laid out before them.

Being lost for so long I can greatly appreciate the fact that many have decided to walk a path of religion. However I like to look beyond, I guess it is my own curiosity, my own logic and my drive of finding truth on my own that I can not go back to religion. I think one of the most basic principles that keep me from this is the idea of a supreme good trying to put an end to the supreme evil. I think that without one you can not have the other. Even witchcraft has it's own evil, and it's own good. But never a true balance and merger of the two in harmony.

Still a silky sky comes and flows over the earth, covering it like a blanket in a mothers arms wrapping a child from the coldness of space. I am not sure where to go, what to do, or who to be around anymore. My support line was cut, and if I fall this time, there may not be any getting back up. This is how I feel lately. I have doubts about the move, I have doubts about going forward, since it fells like I am walking backwards at times. But life is one big circle, and sometimes even those of us that feel like we are going backwards, all we have to do is wait and the circle will take us forward again.

Well that is probably too much writing for tonight, and that is a great sentence to end upon. So goodnight everyone.