Murderous Intent

After doing some Tai Chi today meditating during movement and meditating outside with the reverse blade sword I came to some realizations from past, present and future. During my youth there were times when I was seriously on the edge of destruction, seriously letting my anger, jealousy, and my own sense of immortality control me.

A sense of honor cloudy the truth, a sense of pride made it easier for me to hide behind that cloud. Fighting, struggling, and essentially all that leads to destruction of something in life. But doesn't destruction lead to constructing a new beginning. End and beginning does not exist without each other.

My Chi level is increased things are clearer in this state, things are easier to comprehend during these moments. An image of a friend comes to mind, a confrontation between strangers and himself. The scary part is that the friend had murderous intent during the conflict, a man that possesses skills in the martial arts, but no sacred joy of life back then. A person driven by giving fears to others. Myself drawn into the web during those younger years.

Was it that I was being controlled back then, or was I using him to hit the darkness quicker so I could find the light? Murderous Intent is never right, death only leads to a conflict in the soul no matter the reasoning, death that does not happen naturally goes against the way.

Caring for a stranger, wanting to help a stranger is more beneficial to that stranger than conflict, or murderous intent. Just because you have the power to take a life, does not mean you should use that power, instead if you have gained the power to take life, I say find the power to protect life.

My power is not my own, everything I have done in life I really have not had self interest involved in it. My relationships ended for reasons I was able to foresee. Don't believe me, look around you now, are you happy, do you have someone you can say you truly do enjoy life with? You came to me for a reason, a way to grow, I gave what growth I could and when I foresaw that it was time I let go. Though I am not saying I don't love you all, but growth sometimes happens with a little loss. Loss can become a great stage to rebuild upon, to strengthen your internal commitments to your happiness.

Some of them was lost when they came, others needed a darkness to be seen in order to run toward the light, others yet just needed someone to help during a tough stage in life. Did you know that each strand of smoke from something being burned lasts a different length of time, some are short and disappear fast, some long and takes time to disappear, but both regardless gives off a great fragrance of the incense.

How long has it been since I knew what I wanted, do I even know what I want now? Is kindness in the world too much to request? Is a sense of belonging more than I can hope for, but I belong to all in a manner of speaking. I belong to the greater sense of all. Murderous Intent is faded from my life, many many months ago. Nothing is worth taking a strangers life. Used to be I would say that if my family was hurt I would start to go berserk and kill. But that was a cloud as well.

Truth is I wanted to kill, I wanted to see the red rivers of another person drip from their flesh, but time marches on, I think what I really wanted was to stop life, stop the pain, stop the harshness of people. Now walking on this path, I see what all people want but are afraid to admit. They want happiness, they want peace, and they would very much want you to allow them to fit in. They would like to give up self interest, self preservation, self gain, if it made those around them happy, if only someone would take the first step. If only someone would give in to their own fantasies of that type of life.

A life for others instead of self. A life dedicated to the happiness of others, regardless of the pain they felt, the heartache, and the torment they see others commit. But one person can not change the world. It was presumptuous of me in the past to think I could, especially using the darkness to engulf people, or to drive them to a better place.

I remember biting into an apple in my youth, it was so pure, so delicious. It was like mother nature giving me a piece of herself to wash away the cares, to allow a time of ecstasy and bliss cover me. If that is not what it was then why do I remember it so vividly. I remember eating water melon as well. The sweetness of her breast, the caring and the sacrifice of both nature and humanity growing them a compromise to each other, but not a compromise, more of a collaboration of effort.

The lesson is there, but we cast a blind gaze to the lessons, we wait for one to guide us, we shun the change, we change the change to benefit self interest, and yet life is lost due to this self interest. Cast a gaze at our current war, our current way of life, and tell me you are happy with it, yet in daily life we do the same thing on a smaller scale. We murder the way, we murder our humanity a little bit each day, and we murder ourselves without realizing it. Murderous Intent has clouded many things, many hopes, many happiness opportunities, and yet we continue to march according to it's tune.

We disguise it as religion, we form conflicts with the words justice, and yet the only justice that should be recognized is the justice to live, the right to save life not destroy it. A country founded by Christians, and yet our government does not follow the teachings of turning the other cheek. A nation founded on faith of a god, and praising through hymn, prayers and yet they seek to go to war over a city called Jerusalem, both parties not following their own self guidance of preserving life, both religions founded by the core truths found in Dao. Kindness to one another, live for others. Give without self interest. Yet due to greedy men and women the laws of that religion have been altered, distorted or used in a way to cause harm.

I will leave it as that since my Chi is returning to normal levels. Since the time is shortened. Be happy with one another, for we should all live for the sake of others, and not for self interest, and not with murderous intent.