From the Depths *Neutral Dao*

Today I did some more Tai Chi. Moving meditation is always wonderful for sore muscles, pains and aches. Plus there is something on my mind I just can't seem to grasp around. Like a image that is obscured by gray smoke, I can see part of it to know somethings there but can not make it fully out. Or words that are whispered but my own heartbeat is pounding louder to obscure the words.

So I am returning to the Jade Cove in hopes that the image makes itself clear and the voice can be heard. Once again I used the term Caged last night in a conversation. I feel so locked down in this concrete cage. I can't seem to fly high enough, long enough, or smooth enough. The wind seems choked off at times.

Still the wind that does blow through has a nostalgic essence to it lately. An almost intoxicating fragrance, one that isn't really smelled as much as it is felt. Cold weather presents itself in the coming days, and as a snake I am very vulnerable to cold weather, it makes me tired, makes me cold, and makes me wish I had a bride, a girlfriend, or even a woman to share the warmth of their body. For now I will be content with what I do have, and try to further my goals of the Way but reducing the wants in life.

One venture gone just to lead to another, one life laid to waste to spring forth another, and yet the cycle continues. I guess I should be happy that I can look at her picture and not recognize her anymore, but would that not be awful of me to forget so quickly. Feelings I have but recognizing, loving her with all my heart, making life about her, these things are gone, they seemed to have died inside during the winter snow.

Yet for some reason I still feel like she is lonely, she is distanced herself from many people, and she is sad. I really wanted only smiles and happiness, yet she leaves and all I feel she has is sadness. Course the fake smile, the half-hearted attempts of looking like she is alright fools many people, but somehow I know, she is not how she appears. Somehow I know she is not happy. Yet in my heart I do not recognize her, in my heart I wish her happiness without me.

I will not cut my hair again, I will not change who I am for anyone. I will wear my duster till the day I die, I will wear combat boots until that day again. When my hair reaches my feet I will tie it up, when my old ragged body fades, what will it matter how I look. If people are weary of me and keep their distance what harm can I do to them, for those that brave a hello, what good can I give them in return.

The Zen that is playing brings me back to times where we sat on the pouch in the spring and listened to the frogs, crickets, and creatures at night. Talking and enjoying the night wind, the night light, and the night sounds. Back then an hour seemed like three, the conversation was not that deep but the enjoyment of the company was always felt. Those were the days back then, those were the days that I was free to be who I was, when was it all locked away, when did I cage up my emotions, my self, my core being. How come the wisdom stay behind unlocked and untouched?

As a child I loved life so much, I remember when my grandfather took me rabbit hunting. A rabbit dog is about the same size as a rabbit and at times can move like one too. I remember seeing the rabbit and the dog. My grandfather lifted his gun, took aim and killed the rabbit. At the time I was so small and the distance far enough away I thought he killed my dog. I cried at the time and my grandfather tried to comfort me, tried to tell me it was the rabbit, but still I cried, still I knew there was a loss of life. I was happy my dog survived, but sad still that the rabbit was no more. Later I grew up some and realized that the rabbit would be diner one night, and the rabbit provided much more as it's last deed on this planet.

Some of the greatest joys I had in my life happened before coming to the cage. Mowing Grandma's lawn, smelling the fresh cut grass and then walking in it barefooted. Taking care of the animals, making sure they were fed, groomed, and watered. The day I found out that my dog had cancer, crushed me. She was a kind soul, she even raised some cats during her years on this planet. For Ginger was a very kind dog, one that put other creatures (except rabbits) before herself.

The garden was another fun task. Weeding, picking, and just plain old caring to help the crops grow. Corn, Green Beans, Strawberry, Zucchini, water melon, cantaloupe, potatoes, tomatoes, egg plant, cucumbers, and we even had an area with blackberries, and raspberries.

I came to the city looking for freedom, was lured in by freedom, and found a cage waiting when I arrived. I wanted to make millions, wanted to be rich, but found nothing but poverty awaiting. I may work and get paid well, but when in a cage your just as poor as one with no money, possibly even more so.

I never thought of such things when I was married, was I even alive during that time I wonder now. I made my life into something that others stated was the life. Urbanized myself, made more walls around my cage, but at the time I had a wife, a person to lay in bed with, a person to add a presence around the house, at that time that was all that mattered. Now, I am not so sure who I was, why I did the change I did, and why I let another person manipulate me into it. Tis the things I have done since coming to the city, allowed myself to be manipulated into things.

I don't know why I feel like I do at times, right now I am peaceful, calm and collected, but still sad too. I do not know why I care for the stray cat like I do either. It is not that I miss Ray Ray, or that this cat has even allowed me to touch it, but I care for it. I talk to it, and I feed it. I guess because like people, the cat made an attempt to judge me for my inside and risked trying to know me, instead of running away in fear. I guess I care about the cat because I see myself in it as well. I should name him, I guess but what name would best suit a stray black cat, what name would I be able to give a gentle creature that visits my door?

The cat will come into the apartment by the door while I get it's food in the kitchen, and then walk outside when he sees me coming. The cat is not afraid of me at all, but like myself he shuns close contact with others. I suppose that is what I see in him that reminds me of myself. Yet I do so care what happens to this cat. I do so want this cat to find a good home with a loving family.

Family, I thought I was building a family with her, I thought that was the goal, but what exactly is family. I have my brothers and blood family, but honestly I really do not know what it is to be family. My family was problematic by the time I was born, but I love and cherish them all the same. They maybe messed up at times, but I would do anything for them.

Guess I have been damaged so much early on, that all I want to do now is heal. To go to the beginning and begin to put ointment on the open wounds and heal them. Go back to the beginning and figure out what I am to do, where I am supposed to go, and who I am to be with. My ex-wife is just a face now, it will not be her I am destined to be with. Brina is happily married and although I love her to this day I would never wish any destruction of that happiness, or her husbands. If he has made her happy, he must be a good man, and I would not want to interrupt or take a happiness away from a good man, not like it would ever occur.

So I am in a place where I am rebuilding. A place after the end and before the beginning. Rebuilding a bridge that has not been kept up, rebuilding the paths back to a place I let overgrow with foliage. I remember a time when I would sit in the evening and let the cool breeze take all the negative from me and wash away my cares. The only way in the city to get such a wind is to go to a roof of a building here.

I remember a time my eyes were not so heavy, my body not so sore, and my mind was as sharp as Sun Tzu's sword. Alas the city, the trials, and the divorce has made those memories. I am sore today, I am forgetting more and more everyday, and my eyes are really heavy. I suppose due to the lack of keeping up with my paths, I have years of cleaning, clearing, and rebuilding to do before I get those paths cleared.

Still once in a while I admit I think of her. I catch myself hopeful that she is happy, hopeful she is not sad, and hopeful she is doing well in life. At times I feel like she is not and a frown comes across my face, but then like a wind the thought is gone. I held on to all my ex's, held on to all their memories and cared about their welfare since the day we met. Though at times it did not seem it, in the mental realm of the Jade Cove their welfare was always forefront of the cove.

Suppose life is hard for some people, and people have big issues in life. I am not regretful of my decisions for that is bringing me to where I need to go. A path starts out by one walking and clearing the way, eventually the person can go back and lay the stone to make it easier for others. First though one must walk a path never before traveled if they are to create new roads for others.

My path was meant to go this way, was meant to end up here for a short time, and was meant to continue on. Paths walked by me, where mostly dark roads, mostly roads none would travel, but the end result being the wisdom picked up from the travels. That wisdom is the concrete stones I can lay down for others who would like to walk a path free of the foliage, dangers, and hardships.

In the darkness there is always a light, and in the light there is always a little darkness. I understand that all to well. I can at least say I can burn my incense to the Buddha's, spirits, Daoist elders, and god forms of the world. I can once again have the great smelling fragrance encompass my house, and bring a nice peacefulness in with it.

Every night I say a little line before sleep, and today I will end this article with it.

Good night Sun Wukong, Good night Guan Kong. Good night Lord Lao Tzu, Confucious, and Mencious. Good night Jade Emperor, and Good night all heavenly Deities.