Lost Thoughts Lost Times.

During my week and reading blogs and messages from people, and noticing it in my writings. A common theme has been hit, a common idea that we all have had at one point or another. Searching for a picture for this idea I came across the following, I think it suits my idea of and my personality of the idea. A road less traveled.

Consequently this looks like an ideal place for a Doaist to meditate, a place to find yourself or a place that few if any has ever visited.

Themes that have come across lately is winter, many people seem to be in winter. Not the season around you, but the season in the heart and soul. Frozen in time, things locked in time with the inability to move forward.

Footsteps of the past seem to fade slightly day by day but yet you can still see the trail from where one has come and where one is. Look forward and nothing but a white field with no path is present. Just a haze of past and present to focus on.

Afraid to continue a path without first realizing where one has been, afraid that decisions made here would continue down a path of heartache and despair. Trying to make logical sense of all the past decisions and figure out how you ended up here. I still wonder these questions.

I look back as ask the what if, where would I be questions. I look back and wonder where those I used to be a lover too currently are. Some think I would do this out of spite, hoping ill upon them. The opposite is actually truth, Truth is once I found her and found out she is alright in life, and she found a happiness, it does take a little pressure off my heart.

I have worried for years about her, worried about the paths she would take, worried that she may not have found happiness. I was never interested in starting something back up, never wanted to bring her back into my walking night terror of a life. I did my best to hide it from the last person in my life, ironic how the night terror was not the cause of the split.
I am relieved though and she has found a joy in the young precious soul she brought to our cruel dark world. Just another soul that can rely on me to watch out for. Anything that child needed, or my friend Amy those kids would have. Odd huh winter in my soul and heart, yet a child can immediately melt the ice, just for it to freeze again.

A foot step here a footstep there. You see the first step and how you messed it up, you realize the what if factor of life. What if I tried harder with her, what if I showed her how much I loved her back then. Alas a childish action, a childish thought made a collapse of a relationship. You realize that the first snow covered footstep was the start of the long weary walk. With some deep entrenched steps on the way. The questions of what if, the realization of possibility that decisions possibly destroyed your life.

With frozen winter set in, you wish to cry, to let it out, but water does not flow in winter, it is trapped in time, not allowed to move. Locked in a lake of ice, the emotions are trapped. Write about them, try to get them out, but still even writing only allows the air to move and add some relief, all your really want to do is find the answers so time can move on. Find out the answer that maybe the decisions you made were not so disastrous. That maybe they were some how correct during that time.

Winter lasts a long time within, and even though there has been warm days, I think that winter is more of my life than I really want to admit. Possibly loosing winter and going to summer is scarier than being alone. Still their is a part that everyone shares in life that wants the companionship, wants to hold another, and wants to build a life.

You realize that your life has demons, that you have a bad side and push those people away in order to protect them, even though it hurts to do so. You hope they find someone that can do more for them than you could. Once the paths separate and time passes, one thinks why they chose to do such things. They think about what that person is doing, how they are, and what will occur in their lives. Not wishing for a moment of pain for them, only the joy and happiness of a blissful life.

Yes, and Yes to answer the questions. From one footstep in the snow to the next you track the chain of events. You get to the last deep footprint in the snow, and realize this pain comes from this step. It is a fresher wound that you are dealing with, a deeper piercing cold that just seems not to warm up. What could you have done, what could you have said, what if???? What if???

Lost inside, lost in your self and your thoughts. Locked in time to figure out what was, what could be, what should have been. Knowing the answer would not matter, that the time for the past and time to do it right with her is over, but not wanting to let it go, not able to let it go, due to an analytical mind. Answers need, truth wanted, a warm body to hold, a mind that can keep up, a person to share dark and light with.

Follow the footsteps and see the next deep impact of my life. She has a significant other, however I still fear she is a troubled person, I have doubts she cleaned up her drug or theft issues in life. She claimed to of had a child and it was mine, truth is... It is possible, but when being cheated on with 4 other people it is hard to say it is without scientific data, still I watch from the shadows, as it was not the child's fault. Still I wish her well, i hope she finds the thing that gets her free, gets her mind into a calmer place.

Next deep impact, the last deep impact, the one that currently has fresh depth the step. I know I was not to be with her for a long time, only to help raise her child to a certain point, I love her like I love most people in my life, no more than the first, no less than the one before her. The emotion is there regardless. Love is there, and I hope she does find a great guy she can remarry, more importantly I hope she finds how to treat a guy and how to show them love in order for her relationships to work. I also wish nothing but the best for HER son.

So why am I walking this path, did I really touch any of their lives, and if so was it in anyway positive? What about those I did not have intimate relations with, friends, did I really have an impact in their lives? When I die on this realm of existence will I become immortal in the hearts of others? At least I know one person that will keep me close, he was a guy I met and helped direct his life, brought him into the practice of Quantum thought instead of linear. He states he plans on telling his kids of me and keep me alive within him. Makes me sad really. Honestly, it does.

Why keep a tortured person alive, why keep a person in your heart who really did nothing but desire a better life for you, no reason just wanted more for you. Why keep them in the heart if they really did not want anything in return. Then again how can you be immortal if others do not remember you and pass your memory to others. Oh dear Lao Tze what a dilemma I just got myself into, how would you handle such a contradiction?

You asked if it was odd to talk to you, I said yes and no. Yes it is because I love you still today, not intimately of course, not as an ex-boyfriend looking to get back together, but as a friend. My love is endless for all of you, words can not even come close to the depths I really feel, however I am still scared of loosing you, loosing you in this world, loosing my dear friend, or loosing a lover of past footprints. It scares me it feeds all the other thoughts that scare the living breathe out of me, it feeds the death that continues to eat at me. I am afraid to loose all the little ones, all the joys of my life.

I am afraid of the inevitable so I have pushed away and watched from far away, tracked and tried to follow from outside sources. Not an easy task, and even hit dead ends. I see though I had nothing to worry about, and that gives me hope in the current position of this ice covered field. I can start a new path soon, I can continue on, but walking a field alone is so boring, so lonely, and so cold. Destiny to walk alone, to touch as many lives as I can before I go talk to King Yama, and be judged.

Most of the sensations of my life are dull, some completely gone. But in winter it gives you a great idea of where you been and where you are. Once you accept that and realize that life outside your own may have become better as a result of a decision you made, then living with a burden on your shoulders seems a little easier.

::Listening to: Iron Maiden :: Fear of the Dark