Catch Me Up.... **Not Dao and Dao**

This is to catch everyone up since I did not write this weekend. I think I was uber depressed, worried, and well unstable this weekend. I am quite surprised I made it through the weekend.

I went to Walmart to do a little shopping, course the anxiety hit even though it was pretty late at night. I talked to a couple friends on the phone but not for very long. I don't think I really had that much human interactions this weekend. Since the cell phone is off it will be harder to get human interaction outside of work.

This brings up a catch 22 that has been a big issue in my life. I get anxiety when I am in public so I stay home, but with lack of human interaction the mind tends to become very inpatient with society, other people, and just being alone. So it tends to drift toward very dark places.

I know depression was there because when I get really depressed I sleep a lot. This was the case this weekend. I was even crashing out watching my anime on the computer. Something that does not normally happen. It was not because of interest level, but more of a body and mind giving out.

Several times I was in a dark place when thinking about things in life, thinking about people in general, and well just dealing with society. I don't think I like people much, but a human mind needs interactions with other people in order to be at ease.

At one point I went outside in the early morning hours to practice some martial arts, and blade work. I was working on slicing a person when they throw a punch. First slicing the wrist level around the wrist, stepping into the swing with the other knife and slicing the arm pit area, making the arm and wrist unusable, then coming back through with the first knife and slicing a retaliation punch on the second side and doing the same thing. After that steping behind with a low swipe to take out the Achilles tendons of the attacker. This takes out the arms and legs making the attacker incapable of any attack there after.

I suppose this is part of the psycho thinking I had this weekend as this occurred shortly after the neighbors started their loud obnoxious party issues. I suppose this makes me a sane person because when I get like that I am afraid of what I am capable of doing and try to pull myself together and not act on such things.

I believe everyone at some point thinks like this but they are afraid to admit it out loud because of what they think others will say or think of them. I see it as everyone has them so it is normal.

So what happened after that, well I did take a nice lovely walk down the road for about 2 hours. Saw about 7 cops pass me and was prepared for them to stop me since I was walking in my Trench coat and Combat boots, however they never stopped me. I so wanted to tell them no to everything and question their profiling too, but none of them did so that is cool with me.

I am worried about not knowing if I am moving or not, I suppose I am allowing this to stress me out a little, so I have thought about smoking again. I did happen to smoke two cigs tonight and will be picking me up a pack shortly.

Funny how smoking the 3 cigarettes now and I can run my tongue across my tooth and not feel it any more. So I suppose I will take it slow on the cigs though. We will see how long I can make a pack last. I might even attempt to quit again after all this move stuff is out of the way. Who knows. It doesn't seem to save me money either way, not with food prices as high as they are.

So now the Dao part, ever go for a walk and just zone out, not know where you are, not caring where you are, just a gaze that sets you in a good mood. I suppose instead of the Cardio x or plyometrics I will go for a walk on those days. It seems to relax me. Put on my combat boots, trench coat and walk in the dead of night. It is really peaceful, and very beautiful without the people of the world obscuring the view and the sound of nature or the silence of night.

I suppose this is what causes me to go into psycho frame of mind, that is not having my peace and quiet. Suppose that is the snake in me. I still have to figure out what I really want to do with the rest of my life. I mean computers is good to get me started but I really get bored with them easily.

Still taking suggestions about what I should do as well. Not sure anything really suits me though. I thought about civic engineering but my fear is that I would get bored of it as well, masonry I am afraid I would not be able to retire, same thing regarding carpentry. Guess at this time I have to stick to computers, which is sad since I despise them so much.

Just roll with the cards that are dealt to me. Bend like the Reed, flow like the water. But when flowing like the water be as strong as the mountain. Just figured that one out. hahahah.

Well at any rate this is your catch up Brina. I hope it is suitable.